i was just telling my mom.....

That I wish we knew what we know now when we were younger.  She said, "It doesn't work that way".  No, it doesn't.  But I sure could've saved myself some bullshit if I'd known.

Got to see some family today.....celebrated January birthdays at mom's.  Happy birthday mom, Aunt Dianna, Jocelyn, Uncle Roger, & Grandpa Stewart.  Enjoyed it with my family, Andie's family, mom, Uncle Jerry & Aunt Dianna, & Uncle Billy and Aunt Melanie.  And Chewie and Benji.  Lunch, laughs, and family time.

Daddy & I took some of the kids to the mall later in the day. So, this morning, as I was getting ready, and knowing I was going to spend the day with family and go to the mall (ugh), I put on makeup.  I was applying my eyeliner & realized.......I think my eyes are more sunk in than they used to be.  Is that a thing?  Enough that I'm way overdue for a color........dammit.

At the mall, I saw a group of seven or eight girls descend on the mall (Stephen was shitting in the bathroom at California Pizza & the kids were shopping sans parents) and I realized I'm old.  These girls were so cute, and looked like they owned the mall.  I felt like I should leave.  I was muddying the mall for them.  I should pack it in and leave.  Clearly, this old person was out too late.

Instead, I waited for my middle aged husband's stomach to settle, and we set out to find the teenagers.  Three stores & however many dollars later....we were in the minivan headed home.  Listening to "Tig Ol Bitties" & Bo Burnham.

Sigh.

fuck the dark

I haven't blogged in almost a month.  It's been a tough few weeks.  I love to write....I know, #whitegirlproblems, but this disease fucks me over over and over again.

Depression.  If you live with it, you know what I mean.  If you don't, please listen, if only for a moment.  People with depression don't want to have depression.  Please don't say "everybody has a bad day" or "it'll be okay".  These things aren't true for someone living with depression.

I don't claim to know all about depression but I do live with it.  Every day.  If you do, you know what I'm talking about.  If you don't, you probably know somebody that does.

Prozac is my friend.  But there are still days that are hard.  And weeks.  And this was one of them.

Feels so good to have my blog back open.  The darkness lifts.  :)