time moving

Another year almost over.....more changes in the last couple of years than I could've thought possible.  That's change, though, right?  You don't know how or when....but there it is.

Back from a wonderful vacation...Christmas in the Smoky Mountains with Stephen & the kids.  What a great vacation.  We had lots of love, lots of adventures...saw Nonnie & Papa, and Ronnie and Susan...was a great time.  Made a new friend, Maryfrances, Nonnie & Papa's neighbor in the mountains.  Amazingly, she knows lots of people we know - she's from Brandon, and has lived in Brandon, Riverview, Tavares, and now North Carolina.  Small world.

Heading into January with lots of self conviction...resolution and self love.  Definitely self love.  Here we go, 2013.........here we go!

getting my ooooohhhh la la back

The YMCA staff are kind of starting to recognize me...I think.  I'm sure it helps that my name is on my card, but, well, I think they are recognizing me.  I've been a regular the last two weeks.  Loving myself.  Learning how to make myself love myself.  I've been really good about not stress eating...and cut out alcohol.  Cutting it out for this entire month.  Will probably enjoy a Stella on Christmas, and will definitely celebrate New Year's Eve, but otherwise, taking a break.  Lost 4 pounds already.  I'm telling you, wine has a lot of calories.........

Got pedis this morning with my bestie and another friend...girl time is good.  Beyond great, actually.  It's so nice to have my dead skin shaved off with a cheese grater in front of my friends, whose pedi technicians only have to use the buffer thing.  I get the cheese grater, the bandsaw, the drill, then a buffer thing.  Hope it didn't gross them out too much.  If I wind up getting pedis alone from now on, I'll know why.

Rachel is having a little party here tonight.  Having fun listening to teenage girls watch "Glee: The Movie" and sing along.  To be young.......they just don't know, you know?  You know?  I love it...they're beautiful and amazing and precious.  And fun.  There are also huge bowls of white chocolate covered pretzels, M&M's, chips, and a big tray of cuban sandwiches...Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper.  Having fun listening to it.

Four days till we leave for our trip to North Carolina for Christmas - getting wicked excited...drive will be about 10 hours.  Hope to see snow.  Hope my Florida blood doesn't put out a hit on me.  I can't wait...North Carolina with my husband, all of our kids, and my in-laws.  Will miss my mom and sissy and family, but am really looking forward to this vacation.  It's been a tough year, with a lot of blessings, too, and it will be nice to relax in a cabin and look at mountains.  If it snows, you know I'll be outside playing in it.

feeling a little bah humbug

Why does Christmas have to be so commercialized?  There is so much stress on parents to provide gifts gifts gifts to children, and most can't afford to do it.  Well, me, I internalize it.  I'm a failure, I couldn't provide enough, they're going to be disappointed.  Not to mention extended family and friends, and other ornament exchanges.  All the stress of buying gifts takes the spirit out a little bit.  I want a little of that back...well, I want a lot of that back.

We are rich...we are rich in family and love.  But we certainly aren't rich in money.  This makes it difficult to meet expectations that society places on us for Christmas.  Thankfully, our children understand that we're just not in a position to give them all that their friends will likely get.  I hope they know they're getting every ounce of love that we have.  Every bit.

Bottom line, I hope we always hold on to what Christmas is really about.

no alarm clocks

The wretched device we call an "alarm clock" could, quite frankly, kiss my ass this week.  "Alarm" is a fitting word.  Asshole clock would be better.

My husband kept his as quiet as he could, and kept the television off, so that I could sleep in for five glorious weekdays AND we'll sleep in this weekend!  A happy Mandy indeed.

We celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday, along with most of America and even friends I have in other countries who are American.  For the first time in three years, my mom is looking forward to the holidays, so I was quite looking forward to Thanksgiving, too, in large part due to seeing her back in the holiday spirit.  That has definitely lifted my spirits.  So, get-together time was 4:00 p.m., but we went around 1:00 p.m., as Stephen was going to putz around with her computers...some technology needs, and he's happy to help.  So, we go early, three kids in tow (missed Brendan so so much) and Megan, Stephen's sister, in tow, too.  Weren't there a minute when my cousin, Bobby, arrived.   A few hours later, Jeanne, Kevin, and Jack...and my sissy, Andie, my brother-in-law, Andy, and William (missed Jocelyn, Sean, and Ethan so so much).

Wound up gorging ourselves on delicious food and company...football on television, of course, and kids running around.  It was a great day.

Today - turkey sandwiches, movies, and naps.  Playdates and Publix.  Dishes and laundry.  Back at it, folks.

BUT.................the alarm clock remains silents.  A very happy Mandy.

the holidays begin

So the holidays begin..........Thanksgiving this week, and Christmas will be here before we know it.  Got Brendan this weekend, won't have him at all for Thanksgiving...makes me thank a little more, for time with him.  Drove him back tonight, and had a nice talk with him.  Sometimes he's "talky", sometimes he's not.....enjoy spending time with him either way.

So, we'll have turkey, family, and love, and hopefully no drunken binges.........we'll see.  Giggles.
And right after that, let's get ready for Christmas!  Deposit is made on cabin, we're going on a vacation for Christmas!  So excited...

In the meantime, it's fall in west central Florida........some days beautiful, some days 80 degrees.  Hoping for sweatshirt weather on vacation.   Till then, keep it comfortable.  Parks, hanging out outside...the benefit of living here.  Woot.  ;)

boob job......not

In need, desperately, of an eyebrow wax (and lip, I'm not going to lie), I thought today, as I have many times, if I had the money, you would not find me getting a boob job or any other kind of job...not that I think it's a bad thing that people do.  Hey, if you can afford it and it's something you want, no judgement.  However, if I could pay somebody money to alter my beautiful body in any way, it would be this:  hair removal.

This whole part German thing, Eastern European, and all that implies, is getting a little old.  I've been having my eyebrows waxed for 22 years, and my lip for about 10.  Stephen tells me he can't see it.  I love him for saying so...but I can see it.  And let me backtrack just a little...I got my period last week.  I'm sure you love that I shared that information, but my segue is leading to the fact that at 38 years old I still get a couple of pimples when I get my period.  Now, I get pimples, have dealt with eyebrows & lip stuff for years, and now have a patch of whiskers.  Yes, whiskers.  Over it.  There are only a few, but really?

So, you won't find me getting a boob job, or Botox, or the newest trend in facial and body surgery.  You'll find me getting hair removal.

Donations would be LOVEd and accepted.

total eclipse

We were watching X-Factor, or one of those shows, last night, and one of the contestants sang "Total Eclipse of the Heart".  Rachel reminded me that I used to sing that to her when she was getting out of the bath.  We're talking like over 10 years ago...she's 16 now.  So, from 1 year old to probably 6 years old, I gave her baths, and I would sing that to her.  It made me stop, eyes open a little, and smile.  Yes, I did.  Turn around, bright eyes.....as I toweled her cute little butt.  Time it does fly.

Talked to Bug today about her regular license and driving to school......surreal to mommy.  All this while driving David to 6th grade and Chloe to 4th grade...and texting Brendan while he does his thing in New Port Richey with his mom, enjoying 10th grade.  

I look over at my husband sometimes, usually when he isn't looking, and am so happy with my life, with us, and our kids...they make us so happy and proud.  I look forward to our time together putzing around doing what we want, but sure am enjoying this time.  

double digits

Well, all of our kids are double digits...wow!  Rachel - 16.  Brendan - 15.  David - 11.  Chloe - 10.  Today.  Wow.  The time does fly...everybody tells you that, but it does...all our babies, getting so big.

Doing the "30 days of thanks" on facebook...really, we have so much to be thankful for that it would take more than 30 days to thank.  I've done well so far, I think...my husband and kids on day one...living in America day two...the movies day three...birthdays, Little Caesar's $5 pizzas, & Jonalynn's cake day four...but really, there's so much more.  So much.  I'm sure my month will be full of thanks before the end of November, and I'll have more to thank.

Had a blast this weekend celebrating Baby Girl's birthday...movies, sleepovers, and family birthday party.  Makes a mommy so happy, and I'm sure makes a Turner Clan so happy.

Thank you, Jesus.

brrrumm brrummm bruummbrumbrummmbrumbrrrum!

So little man joined the band at our middle school.  He picked percussion, passed the percussion test last week, and today we went to Roydon Music to rent a percussion kit for him, as well as the two books on the list.  Had to get the instrument and the books, and a name tag, according to the paperwork I brought with me from the middle school parent information band meeting a few nights ago.  Band is new to me - Rachel did chorus in elementary school & middle school, doesn't do it in high school...and Chloe is in chorus in elementary school this year.  Brendan has never participated in anything musical.  Band is new to me.  I don't play an instrument.  My husband played a horn, not sure which one, at his middle school and/or high school.  So I dragged him along with me, David, and Rachel to Roydon Music to figure it out.  Chloe was at her bff's house on play date.  Brendan is with his mom this weekend.

Turns out renting an instrument from now 'till May/June would cost us about $180.  They sold us a rental turn in for $220.  So we are now proud owners of a percussion kit, including snare drum.  Guess what I listened to for two hours after we purchased the kit?  Most of it was Daddy, not David.  But it's cool.

After that, went to Advanced Auto Store, is that the name?  The place where you buy auto parts yourself.  Taillight and blinker out on rear right side on van.  Stephen checked fuses, they're good, so he bought a bulb for it.  Then home to have lunch & watch Hallmark movies while Rachel cleaned her room to get ready to go to her bff's house for a party/sleepover.

Of course, Rachel wanted to drive.  Nope, didn't fix taillight yet.  Sorry, my beautiful daughter.  I get enough "turn your fucking blinker on" looks from drivers myself, not putting you in that position.  Hope to have it replaced tomorrow.  She gets to meet bff's boyfriend tonight.  She is THRILLED.   Hope she doesn't embarrass Kirsten TOO much.

Saw my bestie, got my Saturday hug from bestie (my bestie is Rachel's bff's mom), and headed to Publix.  My Saturdays are SO exciting.  Stephen not feeling well, so grabbed an easy dinner, came home, and now he's watching a Batman movie while I just tucked in little man & baby girl.  Will do cheese, sausage, & crackers in a few with him while we watch another movie.  Just couldn't get into this Batman movie.  Not sure why.  Probably because I self analyze and my brain works in overdrive constantly.  Can't just sit and enjoy a movie.  Hoping another glass of Pinot Grigio will help me watch the next one...

So there it is...my Saturday.  Tomorrow will be equally as exciting.

homecoming

Rachel is off to her first high school dance.  Homecoming of her junior year.  What a night!  I hope she's having a great time.  I can't believe she's a junior in high school.............sounds cliche, but for reals........where DOES the time go??  What???

Got me remembering the only Homecoming dance I went to.  My senior year, my date took me to the dance, which was at our high school.  Not at some really expensive venue like they are now.  Our prom, that was off campus, but homecoming was on campus.  Anyway, he took me to the dance, then to dinner at the Colonnade, which is special to me for other very special reasons.  I remember heading home, my parents had just bought this 1991 Saturn, and I was driving it, and we triggered the alarm somehow, and I didn't know how to turn it off.  We drove from South Tampa, across the Crosstown, to Valrico with the alarm going.  Fortunately, the car started.  For thirty minutes of driving, the alarm was BLARING.  Got home, and woke my parents up.  Memories.

So, waiting on a limo driver who looks VERY much like Ranjit from "How I Met Your Mother" to bring five teenagers back to our house around midnight...nice guy.  His name is Tom.  That was strange.  Looks like Ranjit...name is Tom............never mind.

My stepson was anxiously waiting for the arrival of four teenage girls, not his sister, of course, to come to our house.  I think he hung as long as he could.  He took his comforter out of the dryer and headed to bed.  MAYBE I'll show him pictures.

Tomorrow morning my most favorite 16 year old & I are headed to the Sarasota area to camp with her Girl Scouts troop.  I CANNOT WAIT.

cookie dough is evil, i tell you!

If I don't see cookie dough for a long, long while, it will make me a happy Mandy.  Our middle school PTSA chose this as our fundraiser, and over the summer I was a last minute "Fine, I'll help with PTSA, what do you need?".  They needed a VP of Fundraising.  Cookie dough can officially kiss my ass.

My bestie was with me every step of it, though, and I love her!  I know she and I both needed that pickup at Mickey D's this morning.  Not the healthy breakfast I needed, but the coffee & girl time I needed.  As soon as the last of the cookie dough is off of the middle school campus, I will take her out for dinner and drinks!

Ate like a pig today, but that's okay.  Won't happen tomorrow.  Calories from Pinot Grigio are way better than food anyway.

Oldest teenager is at high school homecoming game...Daddy is on his way to pick her up.   Tomorrow is the homecoming dance.  My beautiful girl is going to look so amazing...and she is going in a limo!  There was a presentation about not texting and driving, and the students took a pledge to not text and drive, and entered a contest to win a limo ride, and she won!  Her first big dance and she's going in all Valrico fabulousness.  Carrabba's, limo with four of her friends, dance, and home...I can't wait to watch her smile!

Then Saturday we head down toward Sarasota for Girl Scouts camping and bridging...I definitely can't wait for that!  I wonder if I can smuggle a bottle of wine...just joking.

self awareness or self criticizing?

The difference between self awareness and self criticizing is subtle.  And a quest to figure out why I'm hard on myself is a scary proposition.

I constantly "self search"...if you want to call it that.  That is, I am consistently trying to figure out why I'm hard on myself.  I have learned that I set myself up for failure at times, and even while manipulating variables and knowing that's what's going to happen, I let it happen anyway.  Then I spend the next several hours or days judging myself.  I haven't  yet figured out why.  In some ways, I think of it as self abuse, and again...I don't know why.

Growing up was wonderful.  Great childhood, amazing parents...yet the self abuse began pretty early.  Too many examples to list, but I can tell you that it went from flat out abuse to more passive aggressive abuse.  Healthier, I might interject...if that makes sense.  If it's not blatant, it's not as bad, that's what I tell myself anyway.

I'm becoming aware that I struggle with much more than day to day stress...and I treat it insanely at times.  Don't get me wrong, it's not every second of my days, but it is quite a lot.  Scary.  I look around at the blessings everywhere in my life, and still struggle.  Why is that?  At what point do I become okay with absolutely every part of this beautiful life?

I've been told depression, I've been told hormones...the feeling of frustration is hard to put into words...I will do the best I can...I know I have a wonderful life, and blessings all around.  So why blue?  That is very frustrating.  Especially in a world with people experiencing real problems.

There's my personal share today.  I'm not crazy...at least I don't think so.  Maybe I'm normal.

an education

Took my oldest daughter to the doctor a couple of days ago for a checkup, and she made me laugh.  Out loud.  Really loud.  She does this a lot.  Had to share.

She is 16 years old.  So, we still go to the pediatrician.  Which she finds stupefying and absurd.  But, there we were.  Got her weighed, got her height, got her temp...waited on our favorite pediatrician.  While waiting in the little room decorated with cartoonish tools, very Bob The Builder'ish, my daughter, taller than me, leans over to a poster on the wall showing the four food groups.  In fact, while we were updating her information, we had to answer "Do you eat from the four food groups?"...while answering that, she looked at me and said, "There's five".  I said, "No, they changed it".  She sighed.  

Fast forward, looking at poster.  She said, "This is NOT right.  It doesn't include fats.  Fats are critical to the human body.  Healthy fats, of course, but they are critical.  But they include dairy?  Dairy isn't even necessary!  We can get the nutrients that dairy provides from all of these other sources!".  I laughed so hard.  She wanted the pyramid.  Me, too.  Times they are a changing.  

Hope you're eating from all five tonight.  

coffee, workout, teeth, & storms

I woke up to remember that we're out of coffee.  I groaned.  Did the first two school drop offs, which took longer than normal, then hit Dunkin Donuts for a large coffee with cream and sugar.  Came back, got little man, dropped him off, went to the Y and walked for 40 minutes, which felt great by the way.  An older man, probably in his 60's, got on the treadmill beside me and rooted me on.  He told me I was making him up his pace.  What a friendly man!  Stephen would accuse him of flirting, but I don't care...I still got it with the silver sneakers.  *shakes hips and blows kiss*  I love how people can be what we should be...friendly, encouraging...  Then headed to the high school to get the oldest teenager and take her for her dental checkup.  No cavities...  *whew*  My kids' oral hygiene leaves a lot to be wished for...they brush their teeth, but by the end of the day they have dragons on their breath.  Did carlines...drove through what should've been a tropical storm, watched lightning hit a small pond in the hood, screamed, got a look from little man that I'm such a girl, came home still stinking of the Y.  Took a shower and declared that I was ordering Chinese food.  Don't judge.

Off to eat some fried rice, egg drop soup, & General Tsao's chicken.  Good thing I went to the Y.

carline hotties??

I haven't worked out in over a month.  This is not acceptable.  Hitting the YMCA tomorrow.  Indeed.  I have another genius plan...twirling mustache...carline workouts.  We sit in it long enough anyway.  How about this...hit WalMart or Costco or Sam's or wherever you buy your big load of milk and laundry detergent.  Picture me, outside the Turnermobile, lifting milk & laundry detergent like weights.  Doing squats, doing jumping jacks, blaring my radio.  Can I get a what what??  Do you think if I advertise this through our PTA I could get a bunch of parents to participate?  We could easily burn hundreds of calories in the 30 - 35 minutes many people sit there.  No hoochie workout clothes, though, please.  I don't need to see that...

So, since my last blog September 21, what have I been up to?  Well...carline.  Friends' babies' birthday party, friends' parties, friends' birthday parties, recovering from unnecessary shots at parties, and chauffering my family.  Cousin broke up with his girlfriend (I was the glue, I tell you, the GLUE to him starting to recover...well, okay, maybe it was his own hard work), now cousin giving it another chance.  I'll be there for him again, and always.  Bunco...which is always fun.  Screamed Bunco even when I didn't have one, cuz' that's how I roll.  Went to a garden festival with my mom and my baby girl...that was uber fun.  Very educational.  Hot as shit outside, but when isn't it in west central Florida?  Yes, you guessed it!  Mid January to March/April!  Dingdingdingding, we have a winner!  So, as anticipated, I sweated my ass off at that, but it was fun and educational.  Started the wrap up of the fundraiser at the middle school..........THANK GOODNESS.  I officially broke up with fundraisers, which is a big step for me.  Then I volunteered to be the magazine & nut sales mom for Girl Scouts...what the hell is my problem?  I'm beginning to think I don't like me.  Entered contest to win trip to see GNR in Las Vegas.  Wrote letter to Axl Rose's manager asking to pleasepleaseplease get tickets to see GNR in Las Vegas with bestie.  Celebrated my husband's 37th birthday.  Bacon cheeseburgers & Turner brownie earthquakes.  Read a friend's blog, loved it.  Doctor appointments.  And, tonight, roasted chicken, made pasta with pesto, and peas, and will think about watching the presidential debate.  Not really a debate, they're leaving out a candidate.  So, I probably won't watch.

As you can see, this life is a crazy life.  A life I love...  If you're reading, let me know for reals what you think about carline workouts...maybe we can get featured on Channel 8.  ;)

arrrrrghhhhhh...and other cliches

Teenagers make life.......a navigation.  Ever hear "chewing my nails off", "I'm pulling my hair out", "I'm going to get an  ulcer"?  These all apply to me.  I feel a little knocked off my "great mom" trophy.  Is there a "trying to help my teenager survive teenagehood" trophy?  If there is, I want it.  Maybe we're still earning it.  I am learning that my parents put up with a lot of shit.  They did.  From me and my sister.  And I'm thinking the whole "when you have children, you'll understand" and "your kids will be payback" sayings apply to me right now.  If so, I apologize immensely.  I'm sorry for being a horrible teenager.  Can I get a freebie on the whole "payback" thing?  Arrrgggghhhhhhh.........

Been trying to figure out parenthood in a whole different way lately........it's so different when they're teenagers.  A whole different world of worries.  Grey hair SUCKS.

Life otherwise is wonderful.  Busy as shit, but who isn't?  I used to think I was the busiest person in the world.  I'm not.  We all are.  My family is my priority, but I know we're all busy and trying to do the best we can.  Guess that comes with age.  Nobody is better than anybody.  Even the woman I volunteered with today who, clearly, thinks she's on the trophy.  Reminded me of me several years ago.  Oh well, maybe she'll  get knocked down.  Hope she doesn't, but if she does, I hope she has family and friends to help her band-aid that shit.

Cheers to the freakin' weekend, peeps!!!!!!!

a genuine smile

Went to a birthday party today for a friend's children...it was fun.  Not only was one of the grown-ups there somebody that I went to high school & graduated with, but clearly this a loving family.  There is a part of me that smiles for their happiness....believe me.  A big smile.  And part of me that feels sad that something so similar is gone for us.

I really miss my my dad.  The key piece in what is Kennedy.  I tell myself, he's not here, there's nothing that I can do.  But it's still sad.  So sad.  If you've not experienced this, you don't know...and I'm glad you don't.  Yet, another piece of me just felt so happy for them...they still have it.  I hope they do for years and years.

So, I shook it off, as I'm trying to do, and enjoyed where I was.  I'm burying myself in the belief that I am ALWAYS, ALWAYS.........ALWAYS right where I'm supposed to be.  Always!  So, I let that feeling seep into me.  And I'm glad I did.

Thank you, Martin family, for including us today.  It was great fun.  :)

Enjoyed the night with my husband & kids!  :)  I love my life.  It's not perfect, far from it...but I love it.  And when shit gets thrown my way, I will always withstand it, usually with my strong husband pulling my ass along.  And grow.  Today was a day that reminded me that what I have is a blessing.  Every part of my life............thank you, God.  Thank you.

alarm clocks are our friends??

Most people "hate" alarm clocks.  We don't say hate in our house.  Well, we're not supposed to.  It's a bad word.  I catch the kids saying it, Stephen saying it, me saying it (not often), but I don't like it.  But I hear all the time "I hate my alarm clock".  Well, I don't like mine when it first goes off, but part of me is feeling some relief in being up so early & so busy since school started.  Summer schedule is fun, but around the afternoon I'm ready to be lazy.  Sooooooo...in usual Mandy style, I overbook myself and exhaust myself early on.  Would I have it any other way??  Well, I would rather be poolside with my bestie, BUT I love volunteering.

So, alarm at 5:30 a.m. every day this week.  EVERY day.  Shower, because of morning commitments every day this week.  EVERY day.  Usually, I can put jeans on, pull my hair in a ponytail and head out, coffee in hand, but not this week.  High school drop off, elementary school drop off, back home to get middle schooler, middle school drop off.  Every day.  Most mornings having to either stay at middle school or go back to elementary school.  Most mornings this week, my poor alarm clock has gotten smacked with my right hand, shoving Bubba the Love Sponge and his crew into oblivion for five more minutes...snooze button is a great thing.  I glare at it.   I curse it.  Then I shower.  And start my day.  Coffee drips while I get ready.

So, today...the busy day of all busy days.  And the highlight?  I won't bore you with the whole day, but I did babysit my nephew today.  He's four months old.  Our black lab mix, who we've had for 6 years, looked at us like, "What the HELL are you doing?  Did you have ANOTHER one??"  She looked so mad!!!!!!!!!!!  I laughed so hard!!!!!!!!  I think she wiped her brow when she saw me leave this evening with him, his diaper bag, and the extra 9 year old we have spending the night.  She was like, "ohhhhmmmyyyygooossshhhh".

Still laughing.  Sigh.  I shall sleep so well tonight.  Tomorrow is Saturday.

hurt me

Sometimes I look at stuff & think I'm not old.  And sometimes I look at stuff & feel old.   I'm not.  Stop making me feel it.  I close my eyes & it's absolutely yesterday.  What the fuck happened?  Close your eyes.  For real.  That shit is gone as fast as you felt it.

Sometimes this is good.  Trust me.  And sometimes it's disorienting.  Train roll on.........wow.  And still it perseveres.  I hope some life lessons, some ridiculous lessons do, too.  Let me feel that hurt, feel shit so you don't have to.

Hurt me, burn me, scar me.  And nobody else.

Life moves so fast..........so fast.  While you're complaining about some bullshit, it's moving around you.  Enjoy the ride.

sometimes in life

sometimes in life

there's so much you can't say okay

you can't smile and step

but you learn that those smiles & steps and okays are not needed for things to move forward

it does it anyway

and you run to catch up

saturday in b-town

Went to a chocoholic PartyLite show at one of my best friend's houses last night...so much fun.  Chocolate isn't really my thing, but the chocolate martinis were great, & friends are amazing!  So fun to spend time with friends and family!!

Woke up well rested...for the first time in weeks!  Stephen & I went to Lowe's...boring......Home Depot...........boring......broken garage door.  And broken garbage disposal.  Luckily, he has a clue.  Followed by WalMart...groceries & shopping.  This confirmed that I love shopping with Stephen.  I do.  It's fun.  Thank you for shopping with my, my sexy husband.

Waiting for all the kids to be in bed & we're going to watch another movie.  The highlight of our weekend, and I love it.  Roll Tide, movies, my husband, & a long weekend.  Y'all enjoy your long weekend, I'm going to enjoy mine.

being a grownup is sometimes stupid

After being sick for almost two weeks, I am having wine this weekend.  Not sure if that's okay with an antibiotic, but I also kind of don't care.  My week was long, the last two days were draining, and yes, I know, white girl problems, but whatevs.  Wine me.  May not be a grownup thing to do, but...eye rolls...just pour.

Super duper cleaned the house over the last two days for our landlord to do the mid-lease walk-through.  Mid-lease walk-through?  What?  I've never heard of that, but okay.  Best guess is because we're on such a long lease that he just wanted an idea of how things are.  So, basically, the house is cleaner than it's ever been.  Evil grin attached.  Gotta give props to Stephen - he did most of it while I laid in a pile of kleenex, medicine, and snot.  And the kids.  And big award for helper goes to baby girl - didn't stop helping, always asking what she could do next.  Clearly going to be a good house cleaner, much unlike her mommy!

I looked today for the mommy manual, but can't find it.  Desperately needing it, I think I'm going to chew all of my nails off & have more grey hair than normal overtaking my beautiful brown locks soon if I don't find it. Anybody have a copy?  Without too much detail, please just keep us in your thoughts.  Teenager drama abounds.

Tonight daddy and I are going to eat havarti cheese, smoked gouda cheese, crackers, & soppressata and watch a movie while I figure out why there are no straws that fit into a bottle of Pinot Grigio.  Y'all have a good night.

what is to me was to you......................

Realized tonight that what is my granny is my mom's mother.  How detailed we make our children's inheritance when we create our children.......what is to me is totally different than what is to her.  Looking at pictures, listening to music..........her legacy to me is different than her legacy to my mom.

Genes, listen up.  Thank you.  There is so much love in our family.  Thank you.  Southern by the grace of God.  Not that that doesn't exist other places, but I know fo' sho' that it does here.  

And how many of us create our children not even THINKING about his?  Yep.  Thought so.  So........assignment - family tree.  NOW.  I love all of you.  <3

empathy

“For you see, when us people who know run into each other that's an event. It almost never happens. Sometimes we meet each other and neither guesses that the other is one who knows. That's a bad thing. It's happened to me a lot of times. But you see there are so few of us.”  - Carson McCullers, The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter


One of my favorite books.  And makes me think of empathy.  Putting one in another's shoes, so to speak.  Or, quite literally, knowing what another's shoes are like.  This is even more rare and difficult.  

Don't we all muddle through life thinking "you don't know how it feels"......?  I think we do...disagree or not, it's how I feel.  And maybe we do things that make us survive a moment, whether anybody else thinks it's needed or not.  And a definition of a moment is dependent on the person who is experiencing the moment.  

A friend told me once, and these were not her words, but quoted ones, "Be kinder than necessary because everybody is fighting some kind of battle".  Truer words have never been spoken.  

Open your hearts, feel each other's needs.  I believe that humanity needs this, and that we don't all cry out the same way.   Listen...and love.  My hope for all of my family & friends is years of happiness, no need to cry out...but when we do...listen and love.

history, looking more than twice, feeling in your bones

When I was a kid, I never would've imagined that I would, as an adult, love history as much as I do.  I really couldn't stand it when I was a kid.  I am convinced that much of my love of the things I can touch, see, imagine what they were like, know why they are the way they are now because of what they were, comes from my parents, and their endless efforts to show me & my sissy life outside of west central Florida.  Don't get me wrong, I love Florida, I love where I'm from...but I know I love other places because my parents helped foster that love.  Talking today with Girl Scouts, planning our year, and churning that over in my mind today, the way I tend to do, made me go, "Oh!  Mom and Dad.  Thank you".

I hope to be as influential in my children's thoughts when they're adults as my parents are in mine.  Mom, I love you so much.  Dad, I love you so much, and I miss you so much.  Thank you for being the best parents ever.  I don't take anything for granted......because of you.

people watching

I've always known I'm a people watcher.  Today, I was a people watcher who REALLY knew I was a people watcher.  There's something about it...so fun to imagine who they are.  I attended a training, and could not stop thinking about where the speaker came from (he told us Fairbanks, Alaska), what his wife must be like...then looking around the room and wondering about people.  Her, with the clearly designer purse...if you know me, you know I won't know which designer, but I can tell it's expensive because she handles it with mucho care and she smells like a salon.  All the way down to the people who directed us parking.  I can concentrate on the training, don't get me wrong......but my wind wanders.  So I'm left with this - what does a mind wandering person want to do for "income" as she ponders how distracted she gets?  Help?

august already??

Okay, those question marks are complaints per say...just an emphatic way of saying the summer went by quickly!  School starts in 18 days...part of me is singing along with LeighAnn, and part of me is glaring at my alarm clock, and picturing time invested in homework...especially math homework, at which I'm of no help.  Part of me is picturing the drive...three schools this year.  We're talking at least 50 miles a day in schools.  Green Mandy is not happy with that.

So anyway...I think we've rocked our summer.  On a budget of zero, not even a shoestring...a shoestring would've been nice.  Living near the beach is great, indeed!  Although, I'm becoming the only one in my family that wants to go...hmmmmm....my Florida babies are not acting like Florida babies!  And my husband, well, he's never really liked the beach.  I think he goes so he can look at me in a swimsuit.

And MOSI yesterday was a lot of fun, thank you, Mimi!  Tonight my sissy is having a PartyLite show...an excuse to see my nephew!  Hee hee!

I quit smoking five days ago.  I REALLY want a cigarette.  This stinks.  I'm swearing, as well, that if I gain weight because of this...well, you don't want to hear my immature reasoning.

Alright, I'm off to find something to do.  Enjoy your day!

lots of thinking

Lots of thinking tonight....spent a lot of time with family this weekend.  One day with family that I love so much, enjoying the day, soaking some sunshine & the gulf...and one day hugging my aunt, uncle, & cousins grieving the loss of my aunt's oldest daughter.  The turns & changes that life makes are not always easily acceptable to us, and quite often are flat unwanted.  Many are, but many just aren't...I am reminded to love my family, to hug them hard, & to remember to say I love you.  This applies to my friends, too.

Today, I had to go back to the feelings of loss when my dad passed away.  It was hard.  But I know that so many are going through the same and harder.  So my goal is this...to love hard, to move forward.  And to tell my family and friends I love them.  I love ALL of you.  So much.  So much.  Life is a grand, moving, can't stop it thing...and we are all here for each other.  Hold on tight, peeps.  Please.  <3

one more......

Also thought today about how Stephen didn't really "propose" to me.  Only putting this out there, because I know he knows we don't have that....and I love him.  Funny how that proposal means so much to some people.......to me, it was the beginning.  But nowhere near as important as where we are now.  <3

this i know

A brief status update on facebook reminded me......this I know.  Know what I know?  About me?  Of course you don't.  You're not me, and you're not Stephen, who knows me better than I do.  This I know - I want to be a traveler.  A constant traveler.  And appreciator.  And lover.  And wohh wooooo woooohh watch out, a touch and feel and smell and smile and enjoyer.  This I know.

I picture me, and you can feel free to picture me as well, traveling.  With the love of my life.  Me and Stephen, traveling.  Appreciating.  Loving.  Touching.  Feeling.  Smelling.  Enjoying.

I go places, and I like to think, as local as they are, that I appreciate them in a different way than most.  Not pretentious, no.  Genuine.  Touch.  Feel.  Smell.  All that.  My home is my home, I can touch Florida oak and sunshine and water and I know what  I touch.  Occasionally I'm reminded of how FORTUNATE my sister and I were growing up to see so much of our beautiful country and appreciate it.  And, of course, other sights, like Guns N' Roses, Tom Petty, & Ozzy............sights for sure.  In addition to many others.

So..........my life is pretty cool.  Do what I do, meet people that do what I do AND do other things..........reconnect with high school fo' sho's and kindahungwith's............and full speed into adult life.  My adult life?  It's pretty cool.  Jesus, thank you.  THANK YOU.  <3

we're off!

And we're off!  Been awhile since blogging, summer is a summering away.  After a week of swimming at mom's & going to my sissy's, I relaxed & consumed myself, wholly, in SEVERAL books.  Don't ask.  Stephen wondered where the hell I was for days.  Giggles.  In a book, in a book....relax.  Me and a good book are dangerous...I love to read and don't take the time that I should.  Summer seems an appropriate time.

Beach today, north west of here...not our normal spot, but it was fun!  Well, I had fun.  And Chloe had fun.  The teenagers & the tween did their fair share of complaining - suck it up, kiddos...family fun is mandatory.  You can sit and bitch, but you'll do it in the sun with a sandwich, a Gatorade, and a fake smile.  ;)

This weekend is a PTA training....a startling reminder that school starts in about five weeks.  Ouch.  The emails are pouring in regarding school stuff, the hair on my neck bristling thinking about supplies & clothes...can't we just get some Vitamin D & smell of sunscreen?  Oh summer, please draw out your love...

Have had some somber moments since my last entry...but I won't dwell on those.  Part of life.  And all that.  However, my smile is on.  Even the word smile is drawing  ;)

long, hot, & looking for deals

Summer, well school summer, is about 10 weeks long.  This mama is looking for deals...free shit to do with my four kids.  Money is tight, wallet is talking.  Any ideas, send them to me!  Otherwise, look for us at Medard Park, Lithia Springs, the library, the beach, & my mom's house.

Looking at family's & friends' pictures tonight, I'm reminded to not compare.  Our family fun is ours.  Watch out, Turner Clan, we're going to have a great summer!  :)  Avengers today, and that was fun!  Girl Scouts day camp and basketball day camp done, and I'm proud of my kids for completing both. Instead of picturing eight more weeks of figuring out what to do, we'll enjoy the what to do.  Right?  Even the figuring it out - we'll enjoy it!  Money seems to demand of all of us - spend me, make me, use me...well, money, you can kiss my ass.  My slowly decreasing ass, thank you YMCA.  ;)  Money - bite me.  Turners are strong and know how to have fun without you.  Bite me!

Closing my eyes, picturing beach, ice cream, sleeping in...Florida summers rule.  Here we come!

happy father's day

Happy Father's Day to my husband, Stephen.  The best husband and father in the world.  You are the world to me and I am so fortunate that you are our children's father.  We slept late a little, and you got our cheesy gift.  Blender to make smoothies.  Protein smoothies to be precise.  And you better!  We're on a roll.......we're rockstars and we got this.  Our deeply intensive, kickass, and painful workouts deserve a Stephen modified protein smoothie.  I love you.  The handmade cards from the kids were a bonus.  YOU ARE LOVED!

Happy Father's Day to my dad.  I didn't think that at 38 years old I'd be two years into Father's Days without my dad here.  Let me say, to everybody whose dad is here, SPOIL YOUR DADS.  Spoil your parents.  They are to be loved and cherished and treasured.  I talk to my dad daily, but he's not here.  It makes me sad, very sad.  The love is there, the relationship is there, but I miss my dad.  My kids miss their Da.  We drove an hour today to the cemetery, and the whole time I was rushing myself to think, this time I'm not going to be a mess. This time I'm not going to boohoo.  But I did.  Of course I did.  Buying flowers on the way to see my dad?  At the Florida National Cemetery?  What?  No.  But yes.  Dad, I miss you so much, and I sometimes am still in the "it's not fair".  But I heard you today.  I love you.  My heart is overwhelmed with love for you and mom.  Thank you for the hard lessons, the love, the forward gear.  Thank you for ALWAYS loving me.  For never messing up.  For always wanting the best for us.  I look for you always, and I see you when I need you.   I love you.

roots

Home from a much too quick trip to Alabama for our family reunion.  Second time there since Granny passed away, and it's so strange to me to go there and know we're not going to see her.  Got me thinking...about where we come from, if our ancestors loved us already before they knew us.  I know I think about things like that.  I hope I leave a legacy of love and I hope my great great great grandchildren know I love them.  Roots are incredibly powerful.  So strong many times, and thirsty...always growing and reaching.  Their goal to grow and expand what they've created.  I look at my features...my eyes, ears, hands...and wonder what piece of who did that come from.  I look at my children's features, and I see me in them, and I see Stephen in them, and I wonder...who else?  Stewarts love to say "our roots run deep"...they sure do.  Our family is so large, and when we all come together, I see so much love between all of us.

I love and miss my Granny.  She was a wealth of information and stories about our family.  I started researching our ancestry several years ago, and couldn't believe the amount of information she had.  All so crisp and clear, like it was yesterday.  And fun stories that left me laughing.  And sad stories, and even tragedy.

The roots keep the tree growing, though.  A branch may be affected by drought or storm, but it will recover.  A leaf may be gone, but it always is part of the tree.  It falls to the base and grows back into the tree.  We have a big, strong tree.  Indeed.

no kleenex

Today was the 5th grade celebration for our youngest son.  I had fun, delivering the pizzas, helping serve food, watching the kids dance.  As the slideshow started, I sat down, ready to enjoy the pictures and smile.  I did smile and enjoy the pictures.  But in the few moments of quiet during the slideshow, I became overwhelmed with emotion.  Pride, happiness, joy...and the feeling that so much has happened in the last couple of years, and God I hope I'm doing this right.  So much loss, but so much gain...I hope I'm helping grow my children into kind, successful, loving people.  We've experienced so much in the last couple of years.  I lost my dad, lost my home, almost lost my marriage, had a miscarriage...it all hit me at once.  Life kept right on walking, running sometimes, and I pray that along the way I showed my children a strong, loving woman.  I know I showed weakness at times, and sometimes I dwell on that, but I try to trust in my strength, trust in God, embrace the blessings He's given me, and enjoy this journey...and focus on strength.  I watched my son enjoying his friends, I danced, I laughed...I did all of these things today.  Thank you, God.  Thank you.

what is it?

Is it hormones?  Is it burnout?  I don't know, but I know I'm tired.  Summer is on its way and I can't wait!  Today was one of those days - Florida rain eliminating the possibility of me being motivated to do anything.  Anything.

In true Florida fashion, we pulled off the end of year party for my oldest daughter's Girl Scouts troop.  Swim, swim in the rain, looking for lightning.  There never was any.  Enjoyed a Latin feast...girls had a fun trivia game, got their awards, it all wrapped up, and I question why I want to look forward to wrapping up the school year...like summer.  That means that a school year has wrapped up, and it's all going by so fast.  Is that really something we want to rush?  I think not.  I do think summer is worth looking for, don't get me wrong.  But it means I'm rushing away the stuff that keeps us busy, and sometimes busy is a good thing.  I can assure you my kind of busy is a good thing.  Thank you, 594, for making our lives more fun, more beautiful...and to our leader, Sam, who I cannot say enough about.  Girl Scouts RULE.  I love these girls.  I love love love  love love them.  Without a doubt!

wrapping

As the school year comes to an end and summer is upon us, I am thrilled.  Dancing.  Shaking my butt.  Singing, "oooohhh oohhhh!"  I know that by early August I'll be ready for school to start, but for now...in a couple of weeks, we'll be able to sleep in late and play all day!  Been wrapping up, for the school year, Girl Scouts and PTA stuff...and been really good about working out.  Thank you, Debby.  :)

Rewarding ourselves this weekend with a mini getaway, duel family, with the Carlucci-Farina brood, to Orlando.  I can't wait to sit by the pool and relax.  Breathe.  Stare and my husband and have him ask, "Why are you staring at me?" I hope my husband knows how much I love him.  Cuz I sure do.  Anyway, picture this - Turner Clan of six...Carlucci-Farina brood of six...Orlando...swimming...fun....me getting my hair done (ahhhhh.......)....and heading back on Monday for Memorial Day cookout and swimming at mom's.  I anticipate some sun this weekend.  Don't worry - there will be sunscreen.  You aren't a Florida girl without knowing that the sun don't play.  I also anticipate looking for a workout room...  ;)

the loss of a pregnancy

So I put on smiles, it's okay, I know it's not my fault, I know it's not that uncommon.  I fooled myself, I fooled you all...it's not okay.  I am not doing okay with it.  It's sad and it hurts and I feel a loss and I feel broken.  It hurts to see babies.  For months now I've felt like if I feel sad or stay in the sadness, it's like I don't appreciate what I have.  But that's just not true.  I love what I have, I love my family, I know I'm blessed.  But I also want to cry and not be okay about the loss of a pregnancy.

Embracing my tummy, smile so big
Trying so hard, they finally smile and gasp
Happiness and hope, already loved so much

Deflated, defeated, broken
Seemingly in one breath
White coat consoling
Leave me alone

Growth and life all around her, all the time
And it has muted color to her now
Reach within to pull sanity back, please
Please.

grabbing time

I looked at some old pictures this weekend, as my oldest daughter turned 16 on Sunday.  Boy, talk about grabbing time.  It sure is going by so fast!!  I look at my grey hairs, my kids' huge shoes...my grey hairs.  I'll be celebrating my 16th Mother's Day this Sunday - wow!  I love it!  Those numbers seem so big, but feel so small...I was just changing my oldest daughter's diapers, getting her out of the cat food, telling her you can't eat butter like cheese, taking her to Kindergarten...I hope I'm doing my job as mommy right...I know I'm doing the best I can.

My sister is having her second baby today.  As I'm reflecting on the baby days in our household, and how we got through it, she's starting the adventure again.  I will help her grab some time...slow down and enjoy.

whatever happened to........

Ever heard "whatever happened to......."  You fill in the blank.  Women doing their part.  Men doing their part.    A man's word.  Yada.  You know what happened to it?  It disappeared.  One day you have something, and the next day it's gone.  Times change.  Women's roles change.  Men's roles change.  A man's word, sadly, is not what it used to be.  Can we reinvent this expression, please?  If we dwell on "what happened to", we stop thinking "what can I do".

Progress is my word of the day:

pro·gress/ˈprägrəs/

Noun:	Forward or onward movement toward a destination.
Verb:	Move forward or onward in space or time: "as the century progressed, the quality of telescopes improved".
Synonyms:	noun.  advance - advancement - development - progression verb.  advance - proceed - get on - develop

Aloha

Every day there is laughter, fighting, love, and eye rolls in our house.  These beautiful sounds and gestures have been amplified the last nine days, as my bestie's children joined us for our grumpy morning routines, car lines, school programs, and dinner table follies.  They head home today, and we'll miss the extra goofiness and smiles, but I know they're ready to go back to their beds, their parents...and it will be good to have a little normal around here again, too.  And I think my husband mortified the teenage girls last night with a sex talk. Well, a don't have sex talk.

This week has gotten me thinking about what I'm going to do when they're all grown up...what will I do?  What will that be like??  I've written for years, mostly journaling and poems, and started a book a few years ago, and put it off, put it down, stopped contributing my thoughts and words to it, and so it sits.  I'm considering picking it back up.  I'm considering going back to college and getting a degree in English.  I tried the online college thing a few months ago, and it was not for me.  Not at all.  I much prefer being in a classroom on a campus. I love that I get to consider things...I'm good at that.  If there were a degree in it...

Funny how having small, freckle faced, smiling, grumpy, sleepy eyed, small hands holding yours can make me think about so many things...I want everything for them, but I don't want to get lost in the process.  Working out and walking more consistently is good for me, and I think picking my book back up would be, too.  And dates with my husband.  Are you reading this, honey?

weekend, where art thou?

Oh, there you are.  It's Friday.  Technically the weekend, right?  Good.  Another 45 minute workout to kick it off.

I have two nights to consume wine and not feel bad about it.  Woot.  I would put an exclamation point, but I'm tired.  And my body hurts.  Stairmaster, treadmill, & recumbent bicycle tonight.  What what??  That's right.  Boob sweat and all.  In fact, sweat in my pants for the second time this week.  And both times went to the grocery store after.  Tonight I opted for Winn Dixie in Seffner.  If you've ever been to Seffner, you understand why boob and crotch sweat shopping is okay.  Decided Publix is a little too classy.

Five kids delivered to four schools every day this week on time, and picked up on time.  And baby girl's program last night at school.  The week went well.  Wasn't sure we'd manage it, but indeed, the Turner Clan put on it's super cape and rocked the hell out of schedules.  Schedules can kiss my slowly firming butt.

Have a great weekend, folks..it's a beautiful day to smile and stretch and love and play.

toothpicks

I need toothpicks to keep my eyes open.  You know those pictures you see of really tired people with toothpicks keeping their eyes open?  That's me.  The regular enforcers of laughter, fighting, joy, and screaming have two comrades this week.  Yes, the miniature people in my house went from three to five this week.  And I'm beat.  If you're considering having five kids, consider this:

1. Get a sponsor much like Danica Patrick did.  You might as well.  You will be driving all day, and driving on the road with very selfish people all around you.  That's right, all local driving on local roads...some in rural areas.  Smile and nod, cracks and potholes.  I've learned where to put my wheels.  As you know, I am only trying to get where I'm going safely, as I'm sure you will be, but everybody else is a jackwagon and causes traffic problems.  They don't share the road.  They relentlessly ride your back.  How much does Danica make?

2. They aren't all going to wake up easily.  In fact, you may want to think about keeping a bell, whistle, or pots and pans readily available to bang.  Think of it as reliving your days rocking out to GNR.  Well, if you're considering having five kids, you're probably not my age...okay, think of it as reliving your days rocking out to Slipknot.  It's fun, really...see which one opens one eye and snarls first.

3.  INVEST IN COFFEE.  I can't stress this enough.  Those energy boost drinks are really bad for you, but a couple of cups of coffee in the morning goes a long way.  Again, I cannot stress this enough...if you don't like coffee, please please please start.

4.  They don't all like the same food.  'Nuff said.  Prepare them early, around the time they learn to talk and understand, that they will like what you make.

5.  Reusing towels must be done.  Otherwise you will not have time to drive 50 miles a day, as you'll be washing towels every day.

6.  Girls...if they're girls, they become teenagers.  Teenage girls have periods.

7.  Exercise - take 45 minutes a day to yourself to focus on you.  While doing that, worry the entire time about them even though your spouse is home taking care of them.

These are just a few to get you started...I'm sure by the time you've had number two, you'll get it and can fill in your own blanks.

thank you

Ever wake up and have seven kids in your house?  I did today...16, 15, 15, 13, 12, 11, & 9.  My bestie is en route as I write to Las Vegas and Hawaii with her hubby for a week and I get my "other children" for the week.  My niece is also here, and I am uber impressed that we all chipped in and cleaned the house this morning.  That's right, I put those little mooches to work.  Housecleaning is NOT my favorite thing...if you know me, you know that.  I like to sip coffee and look at the mess.

But it needed to be done, because tomorrow my house will smell like candlescandlescandles when I have a PartyLite show here.  I need new candles!  Get out those checkbooks, ladies!!

Last night we celebrated our adoption anniversary with dad...celebrated a little late, but that's okay.  Traditions can change a little.  We went to The Colonnade, our family love happy restaurant.  Such a special place for our family.  This year is our 25 year anniversary.  Second year celebrating without him, and it's hard...took a toll on me as we were wrapping the evening up.  Warm tears, pain inside, and the tears streamed.  Couldn't stop once they started.  I smiled, too, because he was the best dad in the whole wide world, and he was ours.  I really miss him.

I looked at mom with her seven grandchildren, one on the way any day now growing in my sissy's belly to make number eight...what a love filled family we have.  Standing where we've been standing as a family for 25 years to celebrate one of the most special days in our lives.  My husband beside me, man, I got it made.  Thank you, God, for blessing me with so much love.

f'n cat

I don't agree with FCATs.  But they're here.  This week, FCATs have consumed me and mine.  They started Monday, and I've been volunteering in the front office while the secretary is proctoring tests...and while my children are taking this bleepbleepbleep test.  They've all done well on it...this year is baby girl's first year taking it, she's 3rd grade and 3rd grade is the year they begin to beat the students with this test.  They do well, and I'm not worried about them "passing" it, but I don't like it.  I think standardized testing is a good tool to measure the success and progress of a school, but an end-all and be-all?  No way.  Absurd!  Anyway, don't get me started the stupid frickin piece of cr.....

So I've been busy in the mornings and had the pleasure of dealing with getting the brakes done on my van  yesterday.  Every day something has come up, except for Monday morning when I rocked the Y, and I haven't been able to work out.  Supposed to work out tonight with Debby...I want sweaty boobs!!

No FCAT tomorrow - it's a makeup day.  The nonsense continues Monday...we're almost done!

all kinds of pads

After being "trapped" in the house all week with sick kids, and only one workout at the Y in that week, I was so looking forward to working out all weekend at the Y.

Then Friday night I got my first period since I miscarried.  Without being too detailed, I will say that there is no way I'm jumping around in public right now, and the pain is more uncomfortable than normal.  Trying to think of a way I can get some good cardio in today, because my mental breakdown is going to outweigh any "non progress" I've made on the getting healthy track.

Otherwise, it has been a pretty good weekend.  Went to our oldest daughter's high school drama club's performance of "Little Shop of Horrors" Friday night.  It was great!!  I cried, seeing, her so excited and proud, and the non-stop smile on her face.  I love my bug.

Then spent the WHOLE day on the couch yesterday with my heating pad, and counting inventory of maxi pads.  No tampons yet.  :(   Did watch "We Bought A Zoo" while stuck on couch...that was a fantastic movie.  Also watched all the Thursday night stuff we had on DVR, so I'm all caught up.  TRUST ME, I would've rather been working out.  Watching television with back, abdomen, and leg pain is just not fun.

Today woke up determined to not be on the couch all day.  Kids are talking about washing my van today.  That would be so nice..."pick up all of the crayons and straw wrappers, please!".  Perhaps I'll help them...get me some Vitamin D and fresh air.

hit a homer

Self assessing today.........it's a good thing.  Learned a lot, some great and some not so pretty.  What will be the outcome is a better me.  Yeah, I said it.  A BETTER me.  I don't need to list everything about myself I consider a short coming, but I can say that I'm worth it.  We all are.  Peace, friends.  <3

more than i can chew?

Sometimes I bite off more than I can chew...we all know that saying.  How do we know how much we can chew if we don't bite, though?  The consequence often is "burn out" or increase of stress levels.  I guess the answer is specific to the individual.  I do think, though, that none of us really knows how much we can take unless we keep trying.  The key is to bite off the things we enjoy...I know what I want to do, what I enjoy doing.  Those are the things I need to focus on.  Jesus, my husband, my kids, myself, my family, and continuing my education.  There are other organizations I enjoy being a part of,  but I am going to need to lean on others in those areas so that they are fun and fulfilling.  Get my head straight.  Don't overwhelm myself, especially with things that aren't at the top of the list.

I'm opening my mind to the help and peace medication may be able to provide.  And flattening with my feet the stigma attached to help.  This, of course, along with exercise and prayer.  It's a plan.  :)

Jam

I feel like I'm in a traffic jam.  I know where I want to go, and at times am en route...then I'm stuck.  How easily I start to get frustrated and shrug and not care about myself.  I think part of my journey to be all that I can be will include figuring out the obstacles that I allow to start to defeat me.  And to figure out why I feel like I don't like myself sometimes.  Medication?  Perhaps.  I've tried some and some have helped, but have ultimately not worked because of other things they did to my body that made it not worth staying on them.  I loathe that I'm looking for a "pill" to cure anything anyway.  What happened to just being?

I'll be 38 this year, and I know that's young.  But at times I feel like it's too late to do a lot of things I want to do.  I know that's self loathing happening, and I try to shut it down, but negativity is an incredibly powerful force.  Yes, I'm stuck in "If I could just...".  I want to hop into a different cycle.  Shut negative down.

Gross

Saw myself in some pictures from my sister's baby shower this weekend and Easter.  Gross.  I'm glad we joined the Y a few weeks ago, and I've been using it...I'm feeling frustrated that I haven't made any progress.  None.  I'm disgusting.  I don't know what to do.

Outside of self loathing, it was a pretty good weekend.  Went to the Rays home opener Friday with Stephen and the Rays  beat the Yankees - woohoo!  I sure miss the Rays when it's not baseball season!

Saturday was my sister's baby shower, which was fun but also difficult for me.  After I miscarried last month, I feel like I haven't had any time to deal with it.  It came on the heels of Stephen's heart surgery, and planning a baby shower for my sister.  I feel like I've been a little forgotten.

Yesterday was Easter, which was fun, but I felt fat and gross and we all started to feel like we're getting sick.  Today, I'm  home sick with three sick kids.  :(  That came on fast and yucky.  None of us feels good at all.  :(

Signing off

Take me back to the ball game.....after I go to the Y

Went to the Y today with my friend, Debby.  By the time we left, I think our faces were red mark splotched & sweaty, and our boobs were sweating.  This is a good feeling.  No Ipod necessary this morning, I had Debby to bother with my nonsense filled life.  Rushed home to shower and with intentions of eating, which I didn't.  Thank goodness for the footlong hot dog later at the Rays game.

Yes, folks, Stephen & I hit the Rays home opener today.  Traffic sucked, but the hot dog and Bud Light and date day with hubby were worth it.  Rays won in an AWESOME 7-6 win over the Stankees.  Welcome back, Pena. Did I mention Stephen and I went to the Rays home opener today?  My first home opener ever.  LOVED it.

I think I've countered all the calories I burned with the hot dog, Bud Light, dinner at Matoi Sushi (be jealous), & wine at home.  I wonder if Debby is countering hers.  Indeed, I think she is, for she is at the Proud Pony in Riverview.  I'm not sure I can be seen with Debby again.  ;)

On your mark...

Here it is...the stuff spilling out of my head that I just have to share.