self awareness or self criticizing?

The difference between self awareness and self criticizing is subtle.  And a quest to figure out why I'm hard on myself is a scary proposition.

I constantly "self search"...if you want to call it that.  That is, I am consistently trying to figure out why I'm hard on myself.  I have learned that I set myself up for failure at times, and even while manipulating variables and knowing that's what's going to happen, I let it happen anyway.  Then I spend the next several hours or days judging myself.  I haven't  yet figured out why.  In some ways, I think of it as self abuse, and again...I don't know why.

Growing up was wonderful.  Great childhood, amazing parents...yet the self abuse began pretty early.  Too many examples to list, but I can tell you that it went from flat out abuse to more passive aggressive abuse.  Healthier, I might interject...if that makes sense.  If it's not blatant, it's not as bad, that's what I tell myself anyway.

I'm becoming aware that I struggle with much more than day to day stress...and I treat it insanely at times.  Don't get me wrong, it's not every second of my days, but it is quite a lot.  Scary.  I look around at the blessings everywhere in my life, and still struggle.  Why is that?  At what point do I become okay with absolutely every part of this beautiful life?

I've been told depression, I've been told hormones...the feeling of frustration is hard to put into words...I will do the best I can...I know I have a wonderful life, and blessings all around.  So why blue?  That is very frustrating.  Especially in a world with people experiencing real problems.

There's my personal share today.  I'm not crazy...at least I don't think so.  Maybe I'm normal.