a depressed middle aged woman confesses

I've battled depression for years.  Low self esteem and depression, really.  A long, fun road it's been (insert sarcastic, bitch voice here).  

I want to find what I'm good at, and haven't yet.  I'm starting to think it's not out there.  It hurts to try and try to find something you're good at and like to do, and not discover it.  To start to get excited about things, and then find you're as stuck there as you were in any other thing you tried to do.

One advantage of this is that you never don't realize your dreams.  Because you don't know what they are.  A disadvantage of this is that you are constantly comparing, constantly trying to figure out why you can't figure it out.

You know those people that are people persons, or math whizzes, or political science geniuses...yeah, I'm not any of those.  So there isn't some perfect fit for me.  I feel like I'm not good at much, and what I am good at isn't worth any attention.  

When you get to be 30 something.....fine, almost 40, make a girl tell the truth......and you have no fucking clue, it's almost embarrassing.  Why can't I figure it out?  What's wrong with me?

The few things I enjoy doing, I'm really not that good at.  It's true...I tell you, it's true.  Wife and mom, I love being those.  House cleaning, I can't stand.  Cooking, I like.  Put me outside the house, what am I?  Who am I?  Confused and overwhelmed.  

This message will self destruct in five minutes, as I'm PMS'ing.

beach baby

Back from a week on the beach.  I'm sun kissed & still smell of salt water & sunscreen.  Giggly smile inserted here.

We did find that the beach is my thing.  Not my husband's (which I knew), not my kids' (which is new....they're growing up)......this Florida girl and her bestie made an executive decision.  The beach is our thing.  And we will do it together!

Despite the protests and occasional whines, we had fun.  I missed my husband horribly, as he could only spend one night with us and then was off for Colorado for work, but we had fun.  The crazy cousins were crazy as usual, my bestie came out with her kids for a two days and a night, and another great friend came out with her spawn for a day and night.  Too.  Much.  Fun.  Found a dive bar on the island and played pool.  Life is good!

Movie night at the Turner Clan Castle tonight.  I'm glad to be home, close to my husband...I don't like when he's traveling or when we're traveling and he can't go with us.  Also glad that my sissy and her family are continuing their family tradition for another week, and my mom is out there now waiting for her friends to come tomorrow...a whole bunch of beach babies, y'all!

brilliant

We're headed to the beach for a week.  A WEEK.  I can't wait!  My new favorite, commonly used, British term - brilliant.  It's brilliant that we are headed to the beach for a week.

Spent too much at the grocery store tonight getting ready...well, and the stop at WalMart  before the grocery store for a cooler.  We had three coolers - small, medium, and large.  Medium was left in North Carolina last January, small was left in Alabama this summer with a roach infestation (left outside too long), and the large was thrown out because it lived on our back porch for far too long and you don't want to know what was growing in it.  I know this, because Stephen threw it out because he didn't want me to know what was growing in it.  So, we got a new cooler.  "Turner" is already emblazoned all over the top in Sharpie.

Beachbeachbeachbeachbeachbeach

i am so giving

So I gave Stephen my parking spot...in the garage.  He has to go to go to work, and  in the 100 degree summers that we love, the garage keeps our vehicles a little cooler.  That means I'm parking in the driveway.  I had to run errands twice today.  I had to run in the rain to my van twice today.  I am so giving.  I am already like, "What the hell was I thinking?".  Don't worry - when school starts, my ass is back in the garage.

Two runs to Publix.  I know I'm not the only one that does that.  I did an informal quiz on facebook once...I am not alone.

The first Publix was in Bloomingdale - met the new PTA president in that area to give her the safe keys & ran by the Publix over there afterward for two items - yellow rice & dish soap.  I put a pork roast in the crock pot this morning with mojo and realized we didn't have any yellow rice.  I also noticed that my girls used all of the dish soap, which didn't surprise me at all...I found a BOGO on Palmolive.  All is good.  I also did good because I only got the two items I needed.  Part of the reason for that is that I ran into another PTA/school friend and chatted for a little bit.  I love B-Town...north of Hwy. 60, south of Hwy. 60, it doesn't matter.  Always bumping into friends.  Between the chat and impending rainstorm (by then, it was after 2:00 p.m. in central Florida, which means get in your car or get home), I got the two items I needed.

Second Publix stop was on my side of town...quick and painless and dodged the rain.  Didn't bump into any friends, though this could be because we were in the middle of the storm.

Got my stepson back tonight, made pork roast,  yellow rice, black beans, & peas...watched "Green Lantern" for the billionth time, and then turned on his "Game of Thrones" marathon.  Headed to bed in a bit, and will drag the Turner kids kicking and screaming to their beds.

More "Dr. Who" marathon tomorrow, while packing for the beach.  Maybe I'll vacuum...I haven't decided.

i need longer hair

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair...so I can cut it & have it made into extensions for me.  I need it to pull out.

I'm quite sure karma has arranged this for me, but here I am with a 17 year old daughter who knows it all and doesn't want to listen to much of anything I have to say.  I always pictured the Lorelai and Rory relationship with my oldest daughter, and it hasn't happened that way.  I love her with all my being, and I want everything for her, and I'm blessed to have her, and I'm happy she's my daughter.  That being said, I know a little bit more than her, and I would like it if she'd open her mind and heart to that.  At what point will she do that?

Up for discussion at the castle right now is senior year at school or online, IB programme or not, college...  and, of course, the eye rolling, can't stand her mother, disrespect followed by I love you, I don't hate you, and crying.  An emotional roller coaster is what parenting a teenager is for me so far...this ride is worth the cost, but can I ask when can we go to the bumper cars?  That's the ride that, for our family, everybody loves.  Everybody has fun.  We don't have to ask, "who's riding this one, and who's staying down with the kids?"  We all ride and have fun and laugh.  I want to ride that.  Not the emotional roller coaster, not the haunted house, not the zipper...a nice, fun ride.  

So, Rapunzel, please color your locks dark brown and I promise it'll grow back.

post spawn

I had a great chat today with one of my best friend's daughters...she's an incredibly talented, smart early 20 something.  It was an incredibly fun chat!  Thoroughly enjoyed it, particularly her take on the public education system, and her encouragement to me about what I can do with my desires, "talents"...I wouldn't call her an old soul.  I'd call her an insightful soul.

What started out as my laughing about my hair post spawn, it was super straight before I had kids and is now beyond wavy, ended with me thinking about who I am not only as a mother, but as a wife, a date for my husband, and a contributor to my own soul and mind.  We find peace in what we enjoy doing.  Sometimes it takes the youthful take on the world charm of a beautiful young person to remind us of that.

So, I'm taking a quick poll.  Straight hair or wavy?  Just kidding.  Topic focused blog, or continue with my daily, realistically weekly, thoughts?

to do

I started a to do list...I thought about doing a "39 before 40", since a few of my friends are doing that, but I decided it's a to do list, period.  I've had fun writing it!

Almost every entry includes my husband or my family.  When I was younger, I would've told you that I was a loner.  I was never really a loner, but I always fancied myself one, and thought I was misunderstood and brooding.  I am the farthest thing from a loner.  I need people I love and people that love me around me.

The list is a fluid document, I guess.  I imagine I'll always be adding to it.  Time to get started, I guess.  THAT'S exciting.

Today would've been my dad's 68th birthday and my granny's 89th birthday.  We celebrated - Stephen and I took the kids with my mom & my sister and her family to the cemetery to visit dad, and we told him happy birthday in the rain...I brought a little flag to put on his grave, and mom and Andie brought flowers.  We had lunch at Beef O'Brady's, then Stephen and I and the kids went to get my stepson...glad to have him back for a few weeks.  The weather remained wet and nasty, and we got home a few hours ago.

I can't wait to add things to my list tomorrow!!!!!!