the thought that crossed my mind today almost happened

Our nephew & his wife and their kids are staying with us...there are 11 people in our house.  Today I ran errands with our niece-in-law.  When we got back, we talked about opening a bottle of vodka, taking a nap, then staying up all night sliding mattresses down the staircase.  We didn't do it.  I'm wondering how tonight would've been if we had...thinking about getting stinking ass drunk and sliding mattresses down the staircase is appealing at 41 years old, and I'm trying to figure out if it's because it sounds fun or because I'm in such a strange place emotionally & mentally that the idea of banging my bones down a staircase will remind me that I'm still here.  Either way, I think I'm glad we decided not to...

Instead I folded laundry, pranked my husband (thank you, nephew), cleaned up spilled something (hoping it was water), and am looking around at the zoo we call our house right now...while teenagers make us crack up and toddlers yell and bottles are being drank and now a 3 year old is telling me she needs to brush her teeth.  She does...she has toddler breath.  But I'm busy typing on my blog...which teenager should I send her to...

And I'm back.  Teeth brushed & baths given.  I see a bottle of pinot grigio that looks like it could use some company...

if it weren't for my crazy medication

If it weren't for my crazy medication, I might have another breakdown.  Trying very hard not to, and believe me, it's work not to.

Darkness crawls all around me all the time.  It's ready to strike and ready to seize me.  It would be so easy to let it...but worth the work not to.  My mind is hurt, damaged, delicate...none of which is my fault, but still it is, fragile.

I scream and I smile, I scream and I smile, I scream and I smile.  Mirrors hurt, who is my friend...what a dark place this is and how badly I want out.

reaching

Reaching up, there are stars up there
Proof that in dark there is light
Finding my way, painfully slow
Here I am, fighting the fight

Reaching up, seems more desirable than reaching down
Easier to lose your way on the ground
Grips of strength will pull you from above
And in my mind, claws pull down

Reaching up, because I'm just a girl
Who needs to reach, I always have
Independent I am not
A flaw, it may be, but I'll always reach

When I reach, please pull me up
If I'm reaching, I'm falling

life is rich

We are blessed to have a family that is close-knit and loving.  I am blessed to have this in my family, and in friends that have become family to me.

We talked a little about family this weekend, while we had some cousins visiting for the July 4th weekend.  We aren't all related by blood, but blood doesn't always make family.

We weave our way into each other's lives, and sometimes we're fortunate enough to call each other family.  I'm thinking the whole concept of family having to be blood is a very outdated way of thinking, and it's probably been centuries since anybody really felt that way.  I read this quote and giggled:

“It doesn't matter to me. We're still cousins in our own way. Blood's just something old people talk about to make you feel bad.” ― Rita Mae Brown 


Another person that I love very much and consider family, who I call "other daughter", is my best friend's daughter, and my oldest daughter's best friend.  She started a journey to California this morning, to start a new adventure in her life.  It is so hard for me to think of her as a grown up, and even harder to imagine her not living up the road, but I am also very proud of her and hope that all of her dreams come true.  My heart is hurting for my bestie, but also finding the good in what's happening...this is a growing experience for my OD, and she needs to feel supported so that's what we're doing.  It's probably scary for her, exciting and scary...proud of you OD.  Happy for you, and love you.

"There are two things we should give our children: one is roots and the other is wings." - Reverend Henry Ward Beecher

40

I"m 40!!!!!  Okay, 40 and 2 weeks...about'ish.  You know how a lot of people have lists of things they'd like to do before they're 40?  Not me...I have lists of things I want to do at any point!  Gimme adventure, please!

Big news happening at the Turner Clan Castle...we moved June 2.  Love it!  Still some boxes floating around, finishing touches abound!!  Last day of school was June 6 - no more elementary school!  WHAT?  Are you CRAY CRAY?  What will I do??  I know what I'll do...you'll see me more at the middle school!  AND my stepson has come to live with us!!!!!!  Early June, all moved in.  So excited...will be up at the high school some, I'm sure.  :)  AND Stephen took me to Vegas for my 40th!!!!!  Had so much fun, we went with my sissy & her husband, and several of my best friends, and got to make new friends!  Left a little too much money in Las Vegas, but that's okay  :)

And now summer is here...wine on the occasional school night (yeah, yeah...give me a break.  Let me slurp my pinot grigio), and lots of homecooked meals.  Mimi's pool, and Nonnie and Papa's before they head off to the mountains.

Oh, and thank goodness for mail forwarding...have already caught a few things I would've forgotten to update because stuff came in the mail.  Sunpass...library cards..snail mail is still the shit!  If you're anything like me, you've forgotten the login and passwords for the lengthy lists of online accounts that we have.

So, tomorrow...more unpacking.  Maybe a nap.  We'll play it by ear

back at mama's

We grew up hearing our mother, and her six siblings, call their parents mama and daddy.  They were Granny and Granddaddy to us, but always my mom's, my aunt's, and my uncles' mama and daddy.  And they were a big part of our lives, and our cousins' lives.  One of my saddest days was my granny passing on.  It was just under a year after we lost our dad, and I think I was clinging to her harder than ever because if I'd learned anything, it was to treasure time and memories and people and love.  We lost our granddaddy when we were babies, but grew up knowing how much that loss affected our mom.  I know it's not just a Southern thing, but I'll tell ya', Southern families are close.  People and love woven in a tapestry that creates a beautiful picture.  We grew up knowing our granddaddy as best we could, because our mama, granny, aunt, and uncles talked about him all the time, shared stories, and kept his spirit very much alive in that house on Wolf Branch Road.  

There's a song out now by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill called "Meanwhile Back at Mama's", and every time I hear it, I can smell that house, see that house, be in that house, I go right back.  I feel, in my heart, that that sentiment is exactly what my mom and her sister and brothers all would hum and sing about their mama.  

In fact, the house on Wolf Branch Road in Mount Dora now houses my cousin and his wife.  He bought it from Granny when she moved back to where she's from in lower Alabama.  It's their pride and joy, and I'm so very happy that it's still in our family.  And Granny's house in Black, Alabama now houses one of my uncles and my aunt.  My uncle and aunt bought it when Granny passed on.  Granny and Granddaddy's youngest lives there, works that land, and puts his feet every day on the soil that is the roots of our family on our mama's side.  

I can't help but smile when I hear that song.  'Cause meanwhile back at Mama's, the porch light's on, come on in if you wanna...supper's on the stove, and beer's in the fridge, red sun sinking out low on the ridge...game's on the tube and daddy smoked cigarettes, whiskey keeps his whistle wet...funny the things you thought you'd never miss in a world gone crazy as this.......  (okay, there was never beer in her fridge)  :)

fingers to keyboard

So life got busy and three months went by and I didn't put finger to keyboard for three months....well, not in my blog.  I DID email, do my banking, search zillow constantly, facebook, pinterest, and "surf the world wide web" (yes, I was alive when the Internet was created and we called it the world wide web), but I didn't spew my daily crazy on here for three months.  Don't worry, won't drag it out.

My relationship with wine is as solid as ever.  We're like this -  *twists pointer and cussing finger into a lock*  Reaffirmed that I don't care for sweet wine, and have no use for it.

Coffee and I are also the best of friends.  My french press cusses me each morning at how early I wake it.

Our lease was up, FINALLY, in March and we're month to month while looking for a new home...think we found one.  This is a nice home and our landlord is a nice enough guy, but I can't wait to get the fuck out of this neighborhood.

Hubby traveled for eleven weeks since I last blogged.  He's been home about a month and is gone again today through the next six days.  There are boxes everywhere, packing going on constantly, and a thrill in knowing we're moving.  I'm excited about this move because even though it's local (shit, we all know I'm a Florida girl, can't imagine life NOT in Velcro), we're picking this one together.  Our first house (after our first apartment) was really my pick.  Loved it and he didn't.  This house was Stephen's pick.  We were separating and trying to reconcile, and he signed a lease on this house before we reconciled.  Wherever we wind up, the next home will be a family pick.  And that excites me!

Mom had a birthday, my niece had a birthday, both of our sons had birthdays, we celebrated our adoption anniversary, we held the Justice for Ashley Bunco Fundraiser, my sister-in-law moved to NYC, and we celebrated Easter in the last three months.  You know us, family family family.  And aware of how blessed we are!

My stepson is coming to live with us.  That makes me happy for so many reasons.  I absolutely cannot wait.

Clung to Prozac as long as I could and then was switched to Zoloft.  I don't really like it, but psychiatrist wants me to stay on it six more weeks.  Yeah, I don't think so......well, fine, but you WILL give me Prozac back.

Started walking again - that makes me a happy Mandy.  I love walking and sunshine and the release of stress that it gives me.  Don't run, I'm not a runner, but I sure love walking.

Guess that's about it.........for now