threw this whole day together

It's raining.  I'd normally be complaining after almost 30 days of rain, but the a/c isn't working, so I'm happy about it cooling off a little because of the rain.  Rather than 250 degrees, it's like 178 degrees.

Brendan has been here just about every day since summer classes ended, and he goes back to the dorms soon...it's been fun having him here all the time.  Even when he's wrestling with David or annoying Chloe or watching his cartoons in the living room.  Okay, anime.  Whatever.

Dinner tonight was an absolute throw together...beef for beef stew had been thawed out and needed...really needed...to be cooked...I thought we had a big jar of garlic parmesan sauce in the pantry, so I was going to sear the beef in olive oil and butter and simmer them in the sauce...I made rice, edamame, and brussel sprouts to go with the beef.  I did all of this except for the garlic parmesan sauce.  Yes, it was in the pantry, but somebody opened it and put it back in the pantry...I have no idea when...instead of putting it in the fridge.  I took it from the pantry to the garbage can. And made country gravy.  The whole family made their plates, while looking at me like I just threw it together.  I need to go to the  grocery store...

So today was one of those try to be lazy but sweat while sitting still then look at the clock and realize it's almost 7:00 p.m. and your family needs to eat days.  I did start a new book, though.  Page three and I had to get my readers.  Hoping that getting back to my love of reading will motivate me to write more.  Maybe it will help me heal.

"Big Brother" is on tonight, though, HOH competition...don't know how much I'll read tonight...gotta get my reality t.v. fix for the day.  Okay, I already watched some real life crime shows.  Don't look at me like that - it was like 250 degrees in the house...I can watch those shows while sitting still and sweating.

And now the kids want to walk the cat...love, peace, and chicken grease...see y'all later!

 

go bucs!

While on my way to being a positive polly, the a/c went out...guess what?  I sucked it up!  I'm such a grownup...

Instead of complaining, I worked on BHS PTSA stuff for this year...got that done.  Did some laundry.  Took a shower.  Worked on dinner (okay, I ordered pizza) while Brendan got ready to go out with my nephew, niece-in-law, niece, & niece's boyfriend...tried to help him with the medicated thing in his eye (kind of like a contact lens) from when Chloe showed him who's boss...his eye anxiety prevented me from helping...opened windows.  Opened more windows.  Poured wine...

And now watching the Bucs preseason game.  Go Bucs!!!!!!!!!

The last couple of weeks have...well...been hard.  But I have my kids, pizza, wine, the Bucs, the Rays, and windows that open...so........I'm hashtag winning.  :)

maaaaarrrrrttttiiiinnnnnn.........

If I don't stop crawling into bed every time I don't feel good, a.k.a. avoiding life, I'm going to leave an imprint in my mattress...I think even my bed said to me today, "Really?  Get up."  So I did.  And I only laid back down a few times today.  That's better than yesterday...and yesterday beat the day before.

And I still managed to get a lot of applications out!  Trying not to let depression and pain squeeze the life out of me...trying so hard, and each day I conquer it a little bit more.  As much as I wish I was the "bounce back" type, I'm not, and I'm proud of myself for what I have been able to do.

Looking for corny, self-help'ish reads and quotes to help me in my journey to love myself, find myself, whatever the fuck I'm doing.  I love being a mom, it's the only thing I've ever been good at, and I identify immediately as mom...  and now apparently I'm going to find out what else I am.  That's a little scary to me, but I am hoping for growth.

I DID find time to get caught up on "Big Brother", but you already knew that...and this is possibly the worst season of "Big Brother" ever.  I'm hanging in, but if Austwins or Vanessa or Steve don't go home soon, ugh.  And enough with the crying all the time already...and Austin - take a shower.  And stop telling them what the comps are beforehand.  And give them adult sized quantities of alcohol...good grief.  I cringe when I see them sipping their alcohol, making it last.  There is some fun on the show, so I'm hanging in...  #TeamJohnnyMack

Cubans and mac n' cheese for supper...complete with a crazy cousin sleepover.  And "Big Mama's House 2".  Yes, I said "Big Mama's House 2".  David just said, "Chloe Grace Moretz was in a weird Tyler Perry movie???"  I said, "That's Martin Lawrence".  I'm still laughing...

 

some ruskin reflections

There's a lot going on in my life...I know I'm not unique and I know I'm not special in that sense...we all have things going on at all times.

So I blew off some steam last night with some girlfriends at Timeout and the Seffner Tiki Hut...both wise choices if you're from the 33594 or the 33584...did I drink a little too much?  Yes.  Was Fireball involved?  Yes.  Was karaoke involved?  Yes.  Don't worry, I didn't sing.  But sometimes, some of your oldest friends and a few beers are what you need to remember that you have people that love you and that will always want great things for you...I probably could've remembered that without the beers and Fireball, but I had fun remembering it with them.

And today I got to spend the afternoon with two of my closest cousins, Bobby and Bo...we're more like sisters and brothers.  Laughing, stories, sharing, the beach, and love...a great way to spend the day.  We were raised to say "yes, ma'am", "no, ma'am", "yes, sir", "no, sir", to love our family, to always see the best in each other, and always be there for each other, no matter what.  Sometimes our family says and does things that we don't understand, don't like, get annoyed with...but it is our privilege to love them...it is.  No matter what.  We don't have to always like what each other does, we don't have to support it...but we will always love each other.  We try with ferocity to understand each other, we look past flaws, we love each other.  We stand by each other...and we are so lucky to have each other.  In a world where so many people feel so alone, I know that I have cousins cousins cousins cousins by the dozens, aunts, uncles, mama, in-laws, sister, sisters by heart, brother-in-law, nephews & nieces rooting for me...and that feels really nice.

As the sun reflected off of the Gulf of Mexico and shared its warm hug with us, and then said good night, I reflect on things and think, yes I'm a mess.  Yes, life is hard.  Yes, life is great.  Love does light all around me...and I'm thankful.

and on the 21st day, i need my sunglasses...and 98 rock

So it rained for like 20 days in B-Town...Tampa, too.  I know, Tampa got it worse, but as somebody that loves the sun and Vitamin D, this was completely unacceptable.  I've never wanted out of the house as badly as the last couple of weeks...well, not never.  But you know what I mean.  I'm a big exaggerator.  Anyway, after about 20 days, the sun covered us with it's beautiful, warm, hug...and now it's like 100 degrees outside.  I'll take the heat over the constant Luke Bryan, though...

Winn-Dixie, the bank, & Dollar General today with my windows all the way down, 98 Rock blasting...soaking up that friend of mine, letting the sun make me squint, and put my a/c on full blast.  Made my errands take as long as I could, to enjoy being outside.  I almost didn't drive back...I love my kids, so I did.

Brendan's pirate days were numbered, and he was able to drive today, so back to campus he went.  I told him last night that the girl at the opthamologist's office was flirting with him, and it was so funny to me because he didn't know and couldn't see her.  I hope that's not why he "could drive" today.  Nah, he's used to my shenanigans by now...

Spaghetti for supper...and Pinot Grigio poured.  I emptied the dishwasher, but somebody else better clean the fucking kitchen.

a little

Eye doctor two days in a row with our oldest son...while he's very grown up, he does like to annoy his little sister, and has an eye cut to prove it...there's a room at the eye doctor...not the optometrist.  Not our normal optometrist.  The opthamologist that I knew he'd need to see...there's a room...that smells like pee.  While sitting in there for two hours yesterday, I texted him "It smells like pee in here".  He responded "Old people".  I looked around.  Mostly old people.  Then I thought, what is that smell?  Then I felt bad for thinking it.  This must be grownupness...thinking immature thoughts & immediately feeling bad.  Well, part of grownupness.  The rest is outrageous bills, stupid debt, and responsibility.

Had to go back to eye doctor this morning...hoped we wouldn't have to go into pee smelling old people room...we didn't.  Whew.  But did have to watch the 20 something flirt with him AGAIN and felt old.  Yes, you're cute.  Yes, he's good looking.  Stop.

 

Then drove to USF since he couldn't...I haven't been on campus in years...did you know they have parking spots that take credit cards?  Yep.

Back home to do laundry and mop.  And be reminded that I'm just a little older than I used to be.  Oldest son needed me to put his eye drops in...because I made him.  I'm a little older than I used to be.  

this is me

After I throw up and self abuse, I'm going to bed.  And I'll wake up and do it again.  

Everything hurts, but my head the most.  Stomach next and heart close.

Skin crawling, I only want to like me.  Why can't I like me?  Why can't I like me?

Confidence exists in small places and small spaces...like our rain finding its way between the door and the frame...and then to be stopped.  Clouds following closely, making sure the smile is never totally genuine.

Broken and shattered.  Helpless and hurt.  Damaged.  But strong.  Heart of hope...dreamer.  Not sure how to get there, but I will.  This is me.