self awareness or self criticizing?

The difference between self awareness and self criticizing is subtle.  And a quest to figure out why I'm hard on myself is a scary proposition.

I constantly "self search"...if you want to call it that.  That is, I am consistently trying to figure out why I'm hard on myself.  I have learned that I set myself up for failure at times, and even while manipulating variables and knowing that's what's going to happen, I let it happen anyway.  Then I spend the next several hours or days judging myself.  I haven't  yet figured out why.  In some ways, I think of it as self abuse, and again...I don't know why.

Growing up was wonderful.  Great childhood, amazing parents...yet the self abuse began pretty early.  Too many examples to list, but I can tell you that it went from flat out abuse to more passive aggressive abuse.  Healthier, I might interject...if that makes sense.  If it's not blatant, it's not as bad, that's what I tell myself anyway.

I'm becoming aware that I struggle with much more than day to day stress...and I treat it insanely at times.  Don't get me wrong, it's not every second of my days, but it is quite a lot.  Scary.  I look around at the blessings everywhere in my life, and still struggle.  Why is that?  At what point do I become okay with absolutely every part of this beautiful life?

I've been told depression, I've been told hormones...the feeling of frustration is hard to put into words...I will do the best I can...I know I have a wonderful life, and blessings all around.  So why blue?  That is very frustrating.  Especially in a world with people experiencing real problems.

There's my personal share today.  I'm not crazy...at least I don't think so.  Maybe I'm normal.

an education

Took my oldest daughter to the doctor a couple of days ago for a checkup, and she made me laugh.  Out loud.  Really loud.  She does this a lot.  Had to share.

She is 16 years old.  So, we still go to the pediatrician.  Which she finds stupefying and absurd.  But, there we were.  Got her weighed, got her height, got her temp...waited on our favorite pediatrician.  While waiting in the little room decorated with cartoonish tools, very Bob The Builder'ish, my daughter, taller than me, leans over to a poster on the wall showing the four food groups.  In fact, while we were updating her information, we had to answer "Do you eat from the four food groups?"...while answering that, she looked at me and said, "There's five".  I said, "No, they changed it".  She sighed.  

Fast forward, looking at poster.  She said, "This is NOT right.  It doesn't include fats.  Fats are critical to the human body.  Healthy fats, of course, but they are critical.  But they include dairy?  Dairy isn't even necessary!  We can get the nutrients that dairy provides from all of these other sources!".  I laughed so hard.  She wanted the pyramid.  Me, too.  Times they are a changing.  

Hope you're eating from all five tonight.  

coffee, workout, teeth, & storms

I woke up to remember that we're out of coffee.  I groaned.  Did the first two school drop offs, which took longer than normal, then hit Dunkin Donuts for a large coffee with cream and sugar.  Came back, got little man, dropped him off, went to the Y and walked for 40 minutes, which felt great by the way.  An older man, probably in his 60's, got on the treadmill beside me and rooted me on.  He told me I was making him up his pace.  What a friendly man!  Stephen would accuse him of flirting, but I don't care...I still got it with the silver sneakers.  *shakes hips and blows kiss*  I love how people can be what we should be...friendly, encouraging...  Then headed to the high school to get the oldest teenager and take her for her dental checkup.  No cavities...  *whew*  My kids' oral hygiene leaves a lot to be wished for...they brush their teeth, but by the end of the day they have dragons on their breath.  Did carlines...drove through what should've been a tropical storm, watched lightning hit a small pond in the hood, screamed, got a look from little man that I'm such a girl, came home still stinking of the Y.  Took a shower and declared that I was ordering Chinese food.  Don't judge.

Off to eat some fried rice, egg drop soup, & General Tsao's chicken.  Good thing I went to the Y.

carline hotties??

I haven't worked out in over a month.  This is not acceptable.  Hitting the YMCA tomorrow.  Indeed.  I have another genius plan...twirling mustache...carline workouts.  We sit in it long enough anyway.  How about this...hit WalMart or Costco or Sam's or wherever you buy your big load of milk and laundry detergent.  Picture me, outside the Turnermobile, lifting milk & laundry detergent like weights.  Doing squats, doing jumping jacks, blaring my radio.  Can I get a what what??  Do you think if I advertise this through our PTA I could get a bunch of parents to participate?  We could easily burn hundreds of calories in the 30 - 35 minutes many people sit there.  No hoochie workout clothes, though, please.  I don't need to see that...

So, since my last blog September 21, what have I been up to?  Well...carline.  Friends' babies' birthday party, friends' parties, friends' birthday parties, recovering from unnecessary shots at parties, and chauffering my family.  Cousin broke up with his girlfriend (I was the glue, I tell you, the GLUE to him starting to recover...well, okay, maybe it was his own hard work), now cousin giving it another chance.  I'll be there for him again, and always.  Bunco...which is always fun.  Screamed Bunco even when I didn't have one, cuz' that's how I roll.  Went to a garden festival with my mom and my baby girl...that was uber fun.  Very educational.  Hot as shit outside, but when isn't it in west central Florida?  Yes, you guessed it!  Mid January to March/April!  Dingdingdingding, we have a winner!  So, as anticipated, I sweated my ass off at that, but it was fun and educational.  Started the wrap up of the fundraiser at the middle school..........THANK GOODNESS.  I officially broke up with fundraisers, which is a big step for me.  Then I volunteered to be the magazine & nut sales mom for Girl Scouts...what the hell is my problem?  I'm beginning to think I don't like me.  Entered contest to win trip to see GNR in Las Vegas.  Wrote letter to Axl Rose's manager asking to pleasepleaseplease get tickets to see GNR in Las Vegas with bestie.  Celebrated my husband's 37th birthday.  Bacon cheeseburgers & Turner brownie earthquakes.  Read a friend's blog, loved it.  Doctor appointments.  And, tonight, roasted chicken, made pasta with pesto, and peas, and will think about watching the presidential debate.  Not really a debate, they're leaving out a candidate.  So, I probably won't watch.

As you can see, this life is a crazy life.  A life I love...  If you're reading, let me know for reals what you think about carline workouts...maybe we can get featured on Channel 8.  ;)

arrrrrghhhhhh...and other cliches

Teenagers make life.......a navigation.  Ever hear "chewing my nails off", "I'm pulling my hair out", "I'm going to get an  ulcer"?  These all apply to me.  I feel a little knocked off my "great mom" trophy.  Is there a "trying to help my teenager survive teenagehood" trophy?  If there is, I want it.  Maybe we're still earning it.  I am learning that my parents put up with a lot of shit.  They did.  From me and my sister.  And I'm thinking the whole "when you have children, you'll understand" and "your kids will be payback" sayings apply to me right now.  If so, I apologize immensely.  I'm sorry for being a horrible teenager.  Can I get a freebie on the whole "payback" thing?  Arrrgggghhhhhhh.........

Been trying to figure out parenthood in a whole different way lately........it's so different when they're teenagers.  A whole different world of worries.  Grey hair SUCKS.

Life otherwise is wonderful.  Busy as shit, but who isn't?  I used to think I was the busiest person in the world.  I'm not.  We all are.  My family is my priority, but I know we're all busy and trying to do the best we can.  Guess that comes with age.  Nobody is better than anybody.  Even the woman I volunteered with today who, clearly, thinks she's on the trophy.  Reminded me of me several years ago.  Oh well, maybe she'll  get knocked down.  Hope she doesn't, but if she does, I hope she has family and friends to help her band-aid that shit.

Cheers to the freakin' weekend, peeps!!!!!!!

a genuine smile

Went to a birthday party today for a friend's children...it was fun.  Not only was one of the grown-ups there somebody that I went to high school & graduated with, but clearly this a loving family.  There is a part of me that smiles for their happiness....believe me.  A big smile.  And part of me that feels sad that something so similar is gone for us.

I really miss my my dad.  The key piece in what is Kennedy.  I tell myself, he's not here, there's nothing that I can do.  But it's still sad.  So sad.  If you've not experienced this, you don't know...and I'm glad you don't.  Yet, another piece of me just felt so happy for them...they still have it.  I hope they do for years and years.

So, I shook it off, as I'm trying to do, and enjoyed where I was.  I'm burying myself in the belief that I am ALWAYS, ALWAYS.........ALWAYS right where I'm supposed to be.  Always!  So, I let that feeling seep into me.  And I'm glad I did.

Thank you, Martin family, for including us today.  It was great fun.  :)

Enjoyed the night with my husband & kids!  :)  I love my life.  It's not perfect, far from it...but I love it.  And when shit gets thrown my way, I will always withstand it, usually with my strong husband pulling my ass along.  And grow.  Today was a day that reminded me that what I have is a blessing.  Every part of my life............thank you, God.  Thank you.

alarm clocks are our friends??

Most people "hate" alarm clocks.  We don't say hate in our house.  Well, we're not supposed to.  It's a bad word.  I catch the kids saying it, Stephen saying it, me saying it (not often), but I don't like it.  But I hear all the time "I hate my alarm clock".  Well, I don't like mine when it first goes off, but part of me is feeling some relief in being up so early & so busy since school started.  Summer schedule is fun, but around the afternoon I'm ready to be lazy.  Sooooooo...in usual Mandy style, I overbook myself and exhaust myself early on.  Would I have it any other way??  Well, I would rather be poolside with my bestie, BUT I love volunteering.

So, alarm at 5:30 a.m. every day this week.  EVERY day.  Shower, because of morning commitments every day this week.  EVERY day.  Usually, I can put jeans on, pull my hair in a ponytail and head out, coffee in hand, but not this week.  High school drop off, elementary school drop off, back home to get middle schooler, middle school drop off.  Every day.  Most mornings having to either stay at middle school or go back to elementary school.  Most mornings this week, my poor alarm clock has gotten smacked with my right hand, shoving Bubba the Love Sponge and his crew into oblivion for five more minutes...snooze button is a great thing.  I glare at it.   I curse it.  Then I shower.  And start my day.  Coffee drips while I get ready.

So, today...the busy day of all busy days.  And the highlight?  I won't bore you with the whole day, but I did babysit my nephew today.  He's four months old.  Our black lab mix, who we've had for 6 years, looked at us like, "What the HELL are you doing?  Did you have ANOTHER one??"  She looked so mad!!!!!!!!!!!  I laughed so hard!!!!!!!!  I think she wiped her brow when she saw me leave this evening with him, his diaper bag, and the extra 9 year old we have spending the night.  She was like, "ohhhhmmmyyyygooossshhhh".

Still laughing.  Sigh.  I shall sleep so well tonight.  Tomorrow is Saturday.