Mama and Daddy are always right

Who's going to hire a 41 year old that's been a stay-at-home mom for 12 years and didn't finish college?  I'm about to find out...  Stephen was laid off in May, and I'm freaking the fuck out now...savings gone, bills due, mental health hanging on by a thread...

If there's one thing I can say over and over to my kids, to any kids, it's to get the best education they can and be the best them they can be.  I think I'm a great mom, I love my kids more than anything in the world, and now I'm in a position where financially I can't care for any of us...love is the most important, but the reality is that education and financial responsibility are very important, too.  

I understand now why my parents wanted my sister and I to finish college...at the time, I thought they were being outrageous and controlling...now I know they wanted us to be able to thrive, and in order to do that, you have to take care of yourself - body, mind, spirit...always challenge yourself.  I feel like I disappointed them, and though I know their love is endless, I sure wish I'd listened a little closer.  

How many other things have I yet to discover my mama and dad were right about?  That thought is a little scary...if you know me, you know I've tested many lines.  All this wisdom we have now, and always they'll have so much more.  I miss my dad so much, and that's probably one of the reasons - I want to know what more he could've taught me and shown me.  Having my mama for that makes me happy, though, and I'm happy and blessed every day to have her.  

As with all things in life that make us smile, things we are so glad we have, people we are so glad to love, I'm learning every day to smile because it happened instead of being sad that it's gone.  Smile because I learned a lesson, not be sad because I didn't finish college.  Smile because I'm ONLY 41, not be sad because I feel too old.  Life has a way of being...well...life.  We're all in this together, and none of us are without struggles and pain.  

So, today, this 41 year old is looking for work...and thinking about finishing college.  And doing it for herself.  Because I think that was the lesson.

making our own fun, canine companions for independence, tequila, & cleaning

Adventure Island yesterday with niece-in-law & some of the kids...chose yesterday instead of today because today's rain chances were higher.  Got some rain, off & on, and made our own fun...truth or dare.  Well, dare.  My nephew did all of them...the kids learned that you can make your own fun...and in big part because of niece-in-law...her idea to play truth or dare.  Did leave after we heard the automated "ladies and gentlemen...due to inclement weather..." announcement for the 89th time.

Went to a charity Bunco game for Canine Companions for Independence last night with mom and Andie...a fun night and helped a great program.  Met a few ladies there that were really nice, but felt tired and out of place a little (not sure why)...did win a door prize - tequila and shot glasses!  Those will sit on the bar forever...

Picked Stephen's car up today & returned rental...smallest rental ever, if you don't count the clown car Boy Andy tried to rent in Detroit a couple of years ago.  Happy to have the car back...

Should've cleaned today and didn't.  The kids did some chores.  The rest are mocking me as I go from room to room...but "Happy Gilmore" is on, so............

sometimes a sit, a sweat, some watermelon, & an old friend make you grin

I have a friend from high school who lives not too far from here, but about an hour, so far enough that we don't see each other all the time (and when we do, we're usually ogling Rays players or drinking wine or ogling Rays players), so when she messaged me that she'd be in Brandon for the week house sitting for her parents, I was like, "Um, yeah!"  Party at Holly's while her parents are out of town...like old times.  Except she had both of her kids & I had our youngest & our nephew.

Forced the kids to awkwardly interact so that we could catch up & giggle.  Sitting outside in that B-Town Florida heat that we all grew up with, by a pool, in our swimsuits, eating watermelon & drinking tea from her mom's Tervis tumblers...smiling and laughing.

From what our kids are doing to how our parents are doing to remembering when to feeling so at home no matter how much time goes by between these long, languid, easy hangouts...days like today really do make me happy I live in the town I grew up in.

And, of course, I brought home a bag of hand-me-downs from her youngest to share with my sister...because we're 41 year old moms.  And we both love the environment...except for menstrual cups.

You can't make old friends

the thought that crossed my mind today almost happened

Our nephew & his wife and their kids are staying with us...there are 11 people in our house.  Today I ran errands with our niece-in-law.  When we got back, we talked about opening a bottle of vodka, taking a nap, then staying up all night sliding mattresses down the staircase.  We didn't do it.  I'm wondering how tonight would've been if we had...thinking about getting stinking ass drunk and sliding mattresses down the staircase is appealing at 41 years old, and I'm trying to figure out if it's because it sounds fun or because I'm in such a strange place emotionally & mentally that the idea of banging my bones down a staircase will remind me that I'm still here.  Either way, I think I'm glad we decided not to...

Instead I folded laundry, pranked my husband (thank you, nephew), cleaned up spilled something (hoping it was water), and am looking around at the zoo we call our house right now...while teenagers make us crack up and toddlers yell and bottles are being drank and now a 3 year old is telling me she needs to brush her teeth.  She does...she has toddler breath.  But I'm busy typing on my blog...which teenager should I send her to...

And I'm back.  Teeth brushed & baths given.  I see a bottle of pinot grigio that looks like it could use some company...

if it weren't for my crazy medication

If it weren't for my crazy medication, I might have another breakdown.  Trying very hard not to, and believe me, it's work not to.

Darkness crawls all around me all the time.  It's ready to strike and ready to seize me.  It would be so easy to let it...but worth the work not to.  My mind is hurt, damaged, delicate...none of which is my fault, but still it is, fragile.

I scream and I smile, I scream and I smile, I scream and I smile.  Mirrors hurt, who is my friend...what a dark place this is and how badly I want out.

reaching

Reaching up, there are stars up there
Proof that in dark there is light
Finding my way, painfully slow
Here I am, fighting the fight

Reaching up, seems more desirable than reaching down
Easier to lose your way on the ground
Grips of strength will pull you from above
And in my mind, claws pull down

Reaching up, because I'm just a girl
Who needs to reach, I always have
Independent I am not
A flaw, it may be, but I'll always reach

When I reach, please pull me up
If I'm reaching, I'm falling

life is rich

We are blessed to have a family that is close-knit and loving.  I am blessed to have this in my family, and in friends that have become family to me.

We talked a little about family this weekend, while we had some cousins visiting for the July 4th weekend.  We aren't all related by blood, but blood doesn't always make family.

We weave our way into each other's lives, and sometimes we're fortunate enough to call each other family.  I'm thinking the whole concept of family having to be blood is a very outdated way of thinking, and it's probably been centuries since anybody really felt that way.  I read this quote and giggled:

“It doesn't matter to me. We're still cousins in our own way. Blood's just something old people talk about to make you feel bad.” ― Rita Mae Brown 


Another person that I love very much and consider family, who I call "other daughter", is my best friend's daughter, and my oldest daughter's best friend.  She started a journey to California this morning, to start a new adventure in her life.  It is so hard for me to think of her as a grown up, and even harder to imagine her not living up the road, but I am also very proud of her and hope that all of her dreams come true.  My heart is hurting for my bestie, but also finding the good in what's happening...this is a growing experience for my OD, and she needs to feel supported so that's what we're doing.  It's probably scary for her, exciting and scary...proud of you OD.  Happy for you, and love you.

"There are two things we should give our children: one is roots and the other is wings." - Reverend Henry Ward Beecher