maaaaarrrrrttttiiiinnnnnn.........

If I don't stop crawling into bed every time I don't feel good, a.k.a. avoiding life, I'm going to leave an imprint in my mattress...I think even my bed said to me today, "Really?  Get up."  So I did.  And I only laid back down a few times today.  That's better than yesterday...and yesterday beat the day before.

And I still managed to get a lot of applications out!  Trying not to let depression and pain squeeze the life out of me...trying so hard, and each day I conquer it a little bit more.  As much as I wish I was the "bounce back" type, I'm not, and I'm proud of myself for what I have been able to do.

Looking for corny, self-help'ish reads and quotes to help me in my journey to love myself, find myself, whatever the fuck I'm doing.  I love being a mom, it's the only thing I've ever been good at, and I identify immediately as mom...  and now apparently I'm going to find out what else I am.  That's a little scary to me, but I am hoping for growth.

I DID find time to get caught up on "Big Brother", but you already knew that...and this is possibly the worst season of "Big Brother" ever.  I'm hanging in, but if Austwins or Vanessa or Steve don't go home soon, ugh.  And enough with the crying all the time already...and Austin - take a shower.  And stop telling them what the comps are beforehand.  And give them adult sized quantities of alcohol...good grief.  I cringe when I see them sipping their alcohol, making it last.  There is some fun on the show, so I'm hanging in...  #TeamJohnnyMack

Cubans and mac n' cheese for supper...complete with a crazy cousin sleepover.  And "Big Mama's House 2".  Yes, I said "Big Mama's House 2".  David just said, "Chloe Grace Moretz was in a weird Tyler Perry movie???"  I said, "That's Martin Lawrence".  I'm still laughing...

 

some ruskin reflections

There's a lot going on in my life...I know I'm not unique and I know I'm not special in that sense...we all have things going on at all times.

So I blew off some steam last night with some girlfriends at Timeout and the Seffner Tiki Hut...both wise choices if you're from the 33594 or the 33584...did I drink a little too much?  Yes.  Was Fireball involved?  Yes.  Was karaoke involved?  Yes.  Don't worry, I didn't sing.  But sometimes, some of your oldest friends and a few beers are what you need to remember that you have people that love you and that will always want great things for you...I probably could've remembered that without the beers and Fireball, but I had fun remembering it with them.

And today I got to spend the afternoon with two of my closest cousins, Bobby and Bo...we're more like sisters and brothers.  Laughing, stories, sharing, the beach, and love...a great way to spend the day.  We were raised to say "yes, ma'am", "no, ma'am", "yes, sir", "no, sir", to love our family, to always see the best in each other, and always be there for each other, no matter what.  Sometimes our family says and does things that we don't understand, don't like, get annoyed with...but it is our privilege to love them...it is.  No matter what.  We don't have to always like what each other does, we don't have to support it...but we will always love each other.  We try with ferocity to understand each other, we look past flaws, we love each other.  We stand by each other...and we are so lucky to have each other.  In a world where so many people feel so alone, I know that I have cousins cousins cousins cousins by the dozens, aunts, uncles, mama, in-laws, sister, sisters by heart, brother-in-law, nephews & nieces rooting for me...and that feels really nice.

As the sun reflected off of the Gulf of Mexico and shared its warm hug with us, and then said good night, I reflect on things and think, yes I'm a mess.  Yes, life is hard.  Yes, life is great.  Love does light all around me...and I'm thankful.

and on the 21st day, i need my sunglasses...and 98 rock

So it rained for like 20 days in B-Town...Tampa, too.  I know, Tampa got it worse, but as somebody that loves the sun and Vitamin D, this was completely unacceptable.  I've never wanted out of the house as badly as the last couple of weeks...well, not never.  But you know what I mean.  I'm a big exaggerator.  Anyway, after about 20 days, the sun covered us with it's beautiful, warm, hug...and now it's like 100 degrees outside.  I'll take the heat over the constant Luke Bryan, though...

Winn-Dixie, the bank, & Dollar General today with my windows all the way down, 98 Rock blasting...soaking up that friend of mine, letting the sun make me squint, and put my a/c on full blast.  Made my errands take as long as I could, to enjoy being outside.  I almost didn't drive back...I love my kids, so I did.

Brendan's pirate days were numbered, and he was able to drive today, so back to campus he went.  I told him last night that the girl at the opthamologist's office was flirting with him, and it was so funny to me because he didn't know and couldn't see her.  I hope that's not why he "could drive" today.  Nah, he's used to my shenanigans by now...

Spaghetti for supper...and Pinot Grigio poured.  I emptied the dishwasher, but somebody else better clean the fucking kitchen.

a little

Eye doctor two days in a row with our oldest son...while he's very grown up, he does like to annoy his little sister, and has an eye cut to prove it...there's a room at the eye doctor...not the optometrist.  Not our normal optometrist.  The opthamologist that I knew he'd need to see...there's a room...that smells like pee.  While sitting in there for two hours yesterday, I texted him "It smells like pee in here".  He responded "Old people".  I looked around.  Mostly old people.  Then I thought, what is that smell?  Then I felt bad for thinking it.  This must be grownupness...thinking immature thoughts & immediately feeling bad.  Well, part of grownupness.  The rest is outrageous bills, stupid debt, and responsibility.

Had to go back to eye doctor this morning...hoped we wouldn't have to go into pee smelling old people room...we didn't.  Whew.  But did have to watch the 20 something flirt with him AGAIN and felt old.  Yes, you're cute.  Yes, he's good looking.  Stop.

 

Then drove to USF since he couldn't...I haven't been on campus in years...did you know they have parking spots that take credit cards?  Yep.

Back home to do laundry and mop.  And be reminded that I'm just a little older than I used to be.  Oldest son needed me to put his eye drops in...because I made him.  I'm a little older than I used to be.  

this is me

After I throw up and self abuse, I'm going to bed.  And I'll wake up and do it again.  

Everything hurts, but my head the most.  Stomach next and heart close.

Skin crawling, I only want to like me.  Why can't I like me?  Why can't I like me?

Confidence exists in small places and small spaces...like our rain finding its way between the door and the frame...and then to be stopped.  Clouds following closely, making sure the smile is never totally genuine.

Broken and shattered.  Helpless and hurt.  Damaged.  But strong.  Heart of hope...dreamer.  Not sure how to get there, but I will.  This is me.

5K in white in the it could rain

Depression has soooooooo been trying me...things I do to try to get out of a funk backfiring.  I want to smile, and I think I will.

Lucky for me, tonight is the Foam Glow 5K, and my bestie and I registered months ago!  Niece-in-law is going, too...80's theme for Team Roos, and of course, kangaroos.  Neon colors, makeup, leg warmers, side ponytail...I think I'm ready!

Cleaned the kitchen today, obsessed over every way that I am small and not enough, self abused with food, worried, cried, colored my hair, cussed repeatedly to myself, applied for a few jobs, looked at some colleges, shaved my legs, figured out that I think somebody used my razor (whoever did this will pay.....), took the garbage out, and am now about ready for the Foam Glow 5K.

In my efforts to look like the 80's version of me, my oldest says "You look like Aunt Sissy".  What?  Even when I'm trying to look like a younger version of me, I look like her.  At least I'm way prettier than her.

And now I'm going to finish my wine and have a cigarette before I go to the 5K.  Shut it.

somebody better do dishes

Made tee-shirts today with my bestie & niece-in-law for the 5K we have coming up...tee-shirts, puffy paint, & bandanas...as I suspected, I stink as much at crafts as the last time I crafted...but I did have fun.  And I did get to write "bounce".  And get mustache wine glasses from my bestie.  And listen to GNR for 2 hours...so, the making tee-shirts craft was a great way to spend the afternoon.

My bestie and I have decided, too, that whenever GNR o.g.'s reunite and  GNR tours (yes they will), we're going.  But you already knew that.  I wonder if Axl will have to explain to all of the other fans that love them less than we do that we are the only ones they're singing to, or if the other fans that love them less than we do will just understand that that's a given...and I wonder who will be our go-to phone calls for bail money.  Plenty of time to save and select emergency contacts...

Also figured out that if niece-in-law makes me listen to "Watch Me" again, I'll punch her in the neck...last song I want stuck in my head!  Came home & played EmmyLou Harris and Pistols Annie to cleanse my brain.

Niece-in-law did make dinner - redneck chicken pot pie, so she redeemed that poor choice in song...and now, movies that are way too loud while I decide which bottle of wine to open next.

And there's ice cream in the freezer...because it was $2.99 per gallon.  And somebody better do dishes.