i was just telling my mom.....

That I wish we knew what we know now when we were younger.  She said, "It doesn't work that way".  No, it doesn't.  But I sure could've saved myself some bullshit if I'd known.

Got to see some family today.....celebrated January birthdays at mom's.  Happy birthday mom, Aunt Dianna, Jocelyn, Uncle Roger, & Grandpa Stewart.  Enjoyed it with my family, Andie's family, mom, Uncle Jerry & Aunt Dianna, & Uncle Billy and Aunt Melanie.  And Chewie and Benji.  Lunch, laughs, and family time.

Daddy & I took some of the kids to the mall later in the day. So, this morning, as I was getting ready, and knowing I was going to spend the day with family and go to the mall (ugh), I put on makeup.  I was applying my eyeliner & realized.......I think my eyes are more sunk in than they used to be.  Is that a thing?  Enough that I'm way overdue for a color........dammit.

At the mall, I saw a group of seven or eight girls descend on the mall (Stephen was shitting in the bathroom at California Pizza & the kids were shopping sans parents) and I realized I'm old.  These girls were so cute, and looked like they owned the mall.  I felt like I should leave.  I was muddying the mall for them.  I should pack it in and leave.  Clearly, this old person was out too late.

Instead, I waited for my middle aged husband's stomach to settle, and we set out to find the teenagers.  Three stores & however many dollars later....we were in the minivan headed home.  Listening to "Tig Ol Bitties" & Bo Burnham.

Sigh.

fuck the dark

I haven't blogged in almost a month.  It's been a tough few weeks.  I love to write....I know, #whitegirlproblems, but this disease fucks me over over and over again.

Depression.  If you live with it, you know what I mean.  If you don't, please listen, if only for a moment.  People with depression don't want to have depression.  Please don't say "everybody has a bad day" or "it'll be okay".  These things aren't true for someone living with depression.

I don't claim to know all about depression but I do live with it.  Every day.  If you do, you know what I'm talking about.  If you don't, you probably know somebody that does.

Prozac is my friend.  But there are still days that are hard.  And weeks.  And this was one of them.

Feels so good to have my blog back open.  The darkness lifts.  :)

pity party

The words "pity party" have come up in my conversations three times this week.  This is what I think about pity parties -

They're okay.  It's always okay to mourn loss, grieve, be sad about something, as long as it doesn't consume your life.

Just because you're sad about something doesn't mean you don't appreciate blessings and know that you're fortunate.

Accept help during pity parties - accept love, compliments, help, encouragement.  Don't feel like you don't deserve it.

The pity party must come to an end, and be left in the past.  Another one will likely come, & that's okay.  If you need to lean on family & friends, lean on family & friends.

When you see somebody having a pity party, reach out to them.  It may seem annoying or burdensome, but I promise, that person is grateful you reached out.

hu·man·i·ty

(h)yo͞oˈmanitē/

noun

1. 1.

   the human race; human beings collectively.

   "appalling crimes against humanity"

   synonyms:

   humankind, mankind, man, people, human beings, humans, the human race, mortals; More
2. 2.

   humaneness; benevolence.

   "he praised them for their standards of humanity, care, and dignity"

beauty

I've always found beauty in small spaces.  In weird places.  In unsuspecting places.

Today was no exception.  I took my nephew and his girlfriend to take their newborn son to a doctor appointment, and my people watching skills were at volume ashighasitgoes.  We were at a hospital in the local "big city", so it was busy.

First sight - youth.  Life starting.  Really beginning.  It's all ahead of them, and I hope they know it.  They're unstoppable.

Next sight was twenty something and an employee.  So content with what he's doing, and will always will be.

Next sight was older than me...much older.  A couple who looked like they'd been married at least 40 years.  She was in charge.  Paperwork, dressed up, fully made up.  And clearly loving him.  When they called his name, she was in charge.  I felt like Wayne & Garth - "we're not worthy, we're not worthy......"

Next, he didn't speak English.  But he was there for something.  He was alone, so I wondered why he was alone.  And  wanted to hold his hand.

Hallways, turns around the corners, elevators...life is all around us.  Friendly smiles, pressing the button, holding the elevator, letting somebody go first.  And it's beautiful.

inside out

Depression is kicking my butt lately.  I'm trying hard to not feel frozen, but am more often than I'd like lately.

The darkness achieved when eyelids close
Is peace at least for some time to pass
Maybe when I crawl out of this space
I'll want to keep them open awhile

Good days and bad days and days in between
Thanking God for my blessings
Selfishly wishing I didn't struggle
To hold onto a smile

Mind fighting against me sometimes
Saving me others
Rushing and stall
Confusing and confident

If I could look inside my brain
Would I be scared or awed

what i don't want to ever have to do

Another fail  - baking.  Again.  I'm not good at it...I don't like it.  It's frustrating & stressful.  I'm near tears because it's another thing I can't do.  I know, I do a lot of things well  & right.  I know.  But this isn't one & this is the time of year happy homemakers are supposed to shine.  Guess what?  I don't like cleaning, I don't like baking.  I like cooking, but even that my husband kicks my ass at.  Which is good, I love his cooking.  I feel like a failure when it comes to what I'm supposed to be good at.  I'm not crafty, I don't like crafting...I'm left to wonder what I'm good at in the house.

I don't even eat cookies.  My family does but I don't.  I suck.

hovering

Is it just me or are parents everywhere with their kids now?  I mean, everywhere.  Kids don't get dropped off (mine don't until about 16 years old), & we stay with them wherever they are.  Maybe in the shadows, maybe not embarrassing them, but we're there...and I've noticed lots of other parents lurking in the dark with me.

I remember being able to run around B-Town pretty safely...telling mom & dad where we were going & it being cool.  I'm afraid to let my kids do that...is it because our town has gotten so much bigger?  Because there are more people?

I miss the days of running around to the same few places we could go...I know it's not just me.  Brandon has gotten too big - I say we tell developers to suck a big fat dick and go away.

A little late for that now, though.  They've ruined what was a smallER town. I drive around and hardly recognize it.

Makes me wanna take a back road................