happy birthday to my mama

I had customers today who reminded me that arguing over little shit isn't important.  They were arguing over who would get their dad's truck.  I was uncomfortable, working & trying to act like I didn't hear them arguing over a truck.  Money...it was about money.  Made me sad.  I hope my family & friends know how much I love them.

Then, customers that were talking about the strangest things in front of me...then one mentioned that they need to get more banana chips.  Right then, the other one asked if I had a trash can.  Yes, I do, I told him...he handed me a banana chip.  Food.  He handed me food not wrapped.  I couldn't get to the hand sanitizer fast enough after they left.  People make me smile mostly.  :)

My car overheated again...put water in the reservoir & it overheated on the way home.  I just had a radiator put in, so the mechanic is going to be seeing my van tomorrow.  If you see a middle aged woman with a van stranded between Mango and Valrico tomorrow, stop & help a sister out.

Happy birthday to my mama!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My mama is 68 years old today...and the best mom in the world and the most beautiful mom in the world!!!!!!!!!  Hoping to drink too much wine and eat cake this weekend.  :)  This is the best part of my day - my mama is here and loves me and we're going to celebrate her when my kids are back...I love you mom!!!!!!!!!!!

Now some t.v. and laundry.  I live life on the edge & everything...  :)

3 day weekends rock

Winter is here & B-Town is cold.  If you know me, you know I don't like being cold.  Sucking it up and wearing long sleeves and sweaters and socks and boots and my nails look horrible and my cuticles are dry and the sky and plants seem down because it's cold.  I feel more down when it's cold, I don't blame the sky & plants.

Got a 3 day weekend for Martin Luther King, Jr. day and it was a really good weekend. My boyfriend & I watched football, soccer, football, hockey, "Ted 2", & old t.v.  Crock potted all weekend and made some great dinners...wings and little smokies in BBQ sauce...pulled pork with yellow rice & black beans...BBQ chicken with macaroni & cheese...tonight I am thanking Publix deli for dinner and watching the Lightning game.  Go Lightning!!!!!!!!

Because of the 3 day weekend, work was crazy today from 8:00 a.m. - 5:30 p.m.  No stopping.  All of my customers were nice, though, & I had a good day.  

Laundry going, garbage out, pajamas on.  Have a good night y'all!!!!!!

learning about me

I'm learning more about myself the last few days.  Some I like & some I don't like as much.  I guess that's where we make ourselves better or work on ourselves?  Being aware of where you know you can be better?

I've been trying for awhile to be somebody I can like & love and I'm doing a lot better at it, but I still find places I can be better...it's hard not to see that as a good thing instead of a failure.  Sometimes I feel alone and other times I know I have lots of love around me & for me.  I know that more than I feel alone, but the times I feel alone stink & want to be louder than what I know.  It's work every day to remind myself I'm worth liking myself.  It shouldn't be...why do I have to work so hard at liking myself?  I'm doing better, and I'm proud of myself...it's one of those questions that I ask...why didn't I like myself to start with?

There's my brain at the moment.  And now I'll lighten it a little and say my other daughter is home!!!!!!!!!  Kirsten came over with Jen, and Kirsten, Jen, Rachel, my mama, my sissy, my sister by heart, & I had brunch and got caught up.  So cool to see her...so glad to see her!!!!!!!!  I can't believe they're grownups...what?????  :)

Football on since 4:00 p.m.  Bucs aren't in it so I yawned and turned on the game...  :)  Just joking...I love to watch good football  I love it more when the Bucs are in it.....next year  :)  Ham and butter beans for dinner...I think the kids may be hammed out since Christmas but it was on sale so..........  :)  My boyfriend's dad came and helped me set up my dryer & I'm doing laundry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I didn't think I'd ever be so excited to be doing laundry.  :)

In true west central Florida style, it went from 89 degrees to almost 50 degrees today & is cold tonight.  And will be all week.  If you know me you know I'm not jumping up and down about that.  We have blankets and socks...we'll be okay  :)  This Florida girl is ready for some beach time with her bestie...

peas for dinner

GNR announced their tour...told you so!!!!!!!!!  Trying to figure out what shit I'm going to sell to go............  :)  Waiting to hear from Axl which seats he's reserving for me......  :)

My mom brought my dad's recliner down to use until I have couches, and ever since it's been here, I've fallen asleep in it every time I sat in it...not sure if it's because I'm tired or because it's dad's.  Many a remote control holding snoring don't let go of the remote control times happened in that recliner!!!!!  :)

So I slept in the recliner last night...don't feel bad for me.  It was a good night's sleep.  Woke up in time to get ready for work and get to work early.  Back in my van, rockin' like a fucking rockstar in my minivan...

Went grocery shopping tonight & officially have no money.  The budget I'm working on makes me laugh.  It's good to laugh.

Being by myself is becoming easier...by myself like I'm the only one in the house to talk to and it's me talking to me...some days I'm saying don't tug on my cape...other days I'm looking for my cape...it's always on.  I'm learning that.

feels good

My car broke down and is now fixed.  The water was turned on a day late, but it's turned on.  The pool has a lot of work to be done, but I know what I need to do.  All because of family and friends.  Thank you to my mama & my boyfriend's mom for your help with my car, the water, and the pool.  I don't adult as good as I should and y'all help me :)

Leftovers for dinner standing by my kitchen counter.  Straight out of paper towels and napkins.  Eating over the sink makes that not as big a deal.  :)  Was going to do laundry but it's cold and I got home at like 8:30 p.m.  Tomorrow night maybe.....in West Central Florida style, I was cold as heck today and tomorrow won't be as cold.  I'll still be cold because I'm a Florida girl, but it won't be as cold.  :)

We've been in our new home for a month today.  Mandy's House of Madness & Music.  I love it as much as I did Dec. 5.  Feels good to come home  :)

Kennedy Christmas

In Kennedy style, Christmas was today at the Kennedy Bullpen...all the food y'all ate a couple of days ago we were eating today.  And a lot of it.  And I brought food home which I'm not sure how that happened...laughter, love, & hugs...sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, cousins, grandmas...missing my dad so much, but I know he was there.

Reminded so much today about what family is just by watching the love.  I feel so fortunate to grow up knowing what true love is.......and I won't forget it.

House full of crazy cousins tonight...and I wouldn't want it any other way.....my crazy family I love you.

been a little while

Moved into our home December 5 with the help of some amazing people.  Got Internet & tv last week...now you know why I haven't blogged.  :)  Computer was up, but in 19 year old's room for the first week or two & is now in my office.  :)

I had Internet and tv service before I had a tv.  I had a tv stand before I had a tv.  Thank you to amazing friends and their parents.  And now I have a tv thank you to my bestie.  Kids rooms are pretty much set up, I have a kitchen with dishes, and had friends over this weekend.  We watched "Christmas Vacation" on my tv in chairs from my patio.  We had too many snacks, lots of good music, lots of laughter, and hugs.  Before that, went to a Christmas party with someone special to me, and had a good time there.  An awesome Saturday night.

With so much to be grateful for this year, I'm thinking about how much beautiful is in my life.  And Christmas is a good time to think about it.  Think about it all year, yes, but especially now.  A time for change and growth for me, for love and bumps in the road and successes and fuckups.

I promise myself to be the best Mandy that I can be.  And to love me.  And know I'm on this earth for a reason...and I think it's to be kind and love and make smiling contagious...life is beautiful, y'all

observations from a florida girl

I'm a nerd & I know it.  I proved it to myself today again.....I've been downtown last week & the last two days for classroom training.  I met a friend for lunch today at a Vietnamese fusion restaurant (really good, by the way).  We got out a little early for lunch and I had time to sit in the square across the street for a little while until I walked down to meet her.  I, of course, took in every second of the walk from where we are to the restaurant...the weather, that I'm wearing dressy flip flops, the sunshine, then noticed the homeless people and was reminded that a very cold winter is here in many states in our country & this is the season that we see homeless numbers rise in west central Florida.  Ever want to help somebody and realize how close so many of us are, realistically, to living like that?  Makes you want to help them more.

Enjoyed lunch with a friend...had meatball pho at Fusion Bowl...try it if you get a chance!  People watched a little on the way back and made my way up the elevator and back into my seat in the classroom with the window that looks out at Tampa Bay.  Making me smile.  Tomorrow I'll be in the Itty Bitty, but today I was downtown and felt like That Girl.  :)

On the Crosstown a little after 5:00 p.m. and drove to B-Town...to my mama's to work on grown up'ing some more, then to the house.  Pizza for dinner, garbage is out, I'm tired.  Have a good night, y'all  :)

football weekend

Long weekend for Thanksgiving and driving to work this morning makes a tired Mandy...thank you, McDonald's, for large coffee with 8 cream & 5 sugar.  In the classroom downtown today...training is so good!  And people watching is the bombdiggaty downtown.

A really good weekend, full of laughter & love & smiles...Thanksgiving was a little different, but good...the kids spent most of Thanksgiving weekend with their dad's family...

I met new friends, watched Alabama win, watched the Bucs lose but play well...they keep getting better.....spent the weekend with one of my favorite people and I'm smiling...and watched the Denver game.  Denver won.  :)

Life is beautiful

trying my hardest

Didn't pack lunch today so my oldest daughter brought lunch & I got to have lunch with her.  Southwest chicken salad for me, burger & fries for her.  And McDonald's sweet tea for me...it has crack in it.  It has to.  CocaCola for my oldest daughter.  Laughing, eating outside, a bee tried to get us, and the hour was too quick!

Picked up my high schooler from practice and then to my mom's for a hug for her and my oldest daughter...then to the house to make what I think is a pitiful dinner...I love to cook and coming home tired at 6:30 p.m.  makes meals quick.  Chicken & macaroni and cheese.  

Got on pinterest & realized how much I used to look at facebook & pinterest and think I was failing somehow.  Everybody doing so much and me hanging on by a thread literally.  I thought about it & I saw that I was never failing...I was always doing my best.  And I still am.  And my life isn't anybody else's and anybody else's life isn't mine.  And I'm good just like this...wanting to make me better.  Not a lot that isn't cool about me.  :)  Improvement?  Yes.  I can improve & I want to.  But I'm good!

I'm going to be okay  :)

    

rush hour in b-town

Week two of being a working woman outside the house!  Going good...I like it a lot.  :)  Thank you to all of my family & friends for your constant support on this ride!

Today was sort of not busy for the first time...if you know me, you know I don't sit still much.  And where my station is, customers can see me.  I don't want to look like the county employee that's sitting there not doing anything.  While customers look at me like, "wth?".  They're there for driver license or title or something else and I'm trained on registrations for now...they don't know that.  I feel like I should go to the lobby and say, "I'm trained on registrations".  :)

Off work at 5:00 p.m. then to the high school to pick up little man from wrestling practice.  I forgot he's now staying after practice to shower because he has the fear of ringworm in him, so I waited there for 30 minutes.  Then sat on Hwy. 60 in traffic.  Tired, hungry 14 year old who just got done at wrestling practice in traffic with me.  He was too tired to complain much.  :)

Laundry tonight.  The rockstar life is for me.

sandwiches

Up at 5:30 a.m.  Get ready & coffee.  Get the 14 year old ready.  Take the 14 year old to school.  Thank you to my good friends for getting the 13 year old to school.  Get to work.  More coffee.  I like people, and customer service is my thing...it's fun to talk to people all day.  If you know me, you know that I got the "make friends with everybody" thing from my dad.  I get to help people, giggle, and make friends at work.  I like my job.  :)

After work went to the high school to pick up the 14 year old from practice...he's liking it a lot!  I'm excited for him and can't wait to hear every day what he did at practice that day.  Today he got his first slam & pin!  I heard about it the whole drive home & couldn't hear enough of it.

13 year old asked for Subway...I'm broke, so she bought.  I owe her off my first check.  :)  I love to cook, so I'm going to have to figure out this being tired shit.

Laundry, and I think my 18 year old is coming to the house tonight...I texted him earlier that his little brother got his first slam & pin today and I don't think he has class tomorrow, so he's coming to high five his brother.  :)

Y'all have a good night  :)

tired

I'm a working woman!  Working outside the house.  :)  Day one was orientation and training...day two was training and then I was on the counter!  I already have a couple of funny stories and am really liking the job.  :)  I really like my trainer, she's really good.

One of the most important things was found out yesterday morning - where's the coffee, who's in charge of the coffee, and how do I get coffee.  I did take a cup with me in case they're all strange and don't drink coffee, but as I suspected, they're human and have coffee.  

Wendy Williams was the program of choice in the breakroom at lunch and all I could think was, "Mom would love lunch here."  :)

Had today off for Veterans Day and feel the tired...like the last two days just went, "Yeah, you're working outside the house now."  :)  I feel some independence, too, and it feels good...because I love to read and write, the saying "new chapter" fits for me...not a new book, I like my old chapters, even the ones that hurt, because I learned something, but a new chapter.  I told my trainer yesterday "I could write a book" and she said, "I'd read it."  I like her.  :)

Chicken and yellow rice and peas for dinner...13 year old on dishes, 18 year old and 14 year old on clean up from the dog, laundry trying me but I'm staying ahead of it, and I'll likely go to bed early.  There is Italian ice in the freezer...I might have to have one of those before I lay my tired, dragging, eyes dropping self down.

grateful

I am so grateful for the every day things, little things, that are my life.  Big events happen, happy and hurtful, and they seem to mark us in a big way forever, but the every day things are the things that, for the most part, give us happiness or some hurt, help us grow as people, give us lessons, and, most importantly for me, make us smile.  The every day achievements, disappointments, hugs, friendship, laughter, moments of quiet...I'm so grateful for all of these every day things.

Grown up'd pretty intensely this week...  :)  I'm really liking me, and I'm really liking who I know I want to be and can be.  Good and not good.  All of it.  I won't go on and on with cliches, but you know what I mean.

I start my job Monday!  And we celebrated my youngest's 13th birthday this week!  I now have 4 teenagers!  What???  And I got to meet some new people, had high tea Kennedy style with my daughters, my mama, my sissy, and my sisters by heart, watched Alabama win, celebrated another birthday with a very special family, and smiled.  Today I'll watch the Bucs win big and smile more.  :)

The last couple of months I've had to take steps forward, and some painstakingly backward, with a lot of patience, and I think it's been good for me.  The old pieces of me that I ask you to walk past when you see them are haunting me less and less and I've left them where they fell.  The new pieces of me feel so much better.  I'm grateful.

strong like i know how to be

Had an Alabama bye week, Bucs win, Lightning win weekend with binge watching horror movies...a good weekend.  :)  And homemade olive tapenade and guacamole...yummmmmmm.......

Today, coffee with my mama, cruising around Camelot with my mama rolling down memory lane, looked at rental house, errands, FBI top secret stuff, school pickups, and dinner.  Chicken alfredo, pasta, & broccoli  - I know you're wondering.  :)

Laundry going soon - oldest son tied up the washer & dryer all day.  Laundry is dumb.  This is one thing that I think won't change...  :)

I've been wanting to be strong like my mama for years...as long as I can remember.  Today I pulled on some strength that I didn't even know was there, because I know she can, and started healing some stuff in my family.  We're going to be okay.

And now I need batteries for the remote control...double A's.  Not the drawer full of triple A's.  First world problems, I know.  But there's some good stuff on tonight.  :)

buuuuuunnnnnncccccoooooo!

I know setbacks happen to everybody, but dang...when you're me, the weird shit happens.  Clearing my good name and will be working soon.  Don't tug on my cape!  :)

Got to go out to Dooooorant today to get my other son from school.  It's so pretty out there.  A little redneck, but I think farms are pretty.  I went a little early so I could sit and look at the farms.  No silliness on the radio to annoy him with, so it was a quiet ride to my bestie's house.  He did tell me he had a good day - you know I asked - and showed me a cool keychain he has.  That's a lot for a 15 year old to share at the end of a long day and JROTC.  :)

Got some more grown up'ing done the last couple of days and even though I've been a little stressed and down, I'm getting better at knocking that shit off as fast as I can.  And I know I've said it before, and I meant it then, and I mean it now, a healthy, happy Mandy starts right now.  If you want to give me a good kick in the ass, let me know.  :)

Bunco tonight...statistics show that I probably won't win any money...but I'll get to laugh with some great women and have fun.  If I do win money, I'm giving it to my mama.  :)

i'm not self centered

Spent the last few days feeling happy & doing things that are fun and that I enjoy...there was a time I would've felt a little bad about doing things that I like, but that's not true anymore...I've done so much work to get to where I am, and I did it...I started this over a year ago, so today I adore life and being happy.  Life isn't perfect, I know it never will be, but I have a lot of things to be happy about and I know it, and I'll say it out loud.  Yes, I have work to do, but I'm so good...I'm good.

I think about me more than I used to.  That may sound selfish, but it's not.  I want to be healthy and be all that I am, and I know to do that I need to be happy.  I do want to make others happy, more than anything, but to do that I know I need to love myself.  Imagine what a great mom I can be if I love myself the way I'm supposed to...and what a great everything else I can be if I love myself the way I'm supposed to.  Take care of myself.  That's my focus lately, and it feels good to not feel like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to be doing.

Met new people, went to the fall festival, watched "Rocky Horror Picture Show" for the first time, watched Alabama barely win (come on, Alabama...wth???), and watched the Bucs lose (but play great the first half) with great people.  Some adversity on the job front, but I'm dealing with that without getting upset.  Check me out!

Not much on tv tonight, so I'll probably go to bed early...and tomorrow I'll hit the day running.  :)

a little off can turn into being okay

I had an off day Tuesday...my mind was all over...went to my mama's for coffee, which always helps, and then found myself laying in the grass at Sadie Park with coffee by myself.  I wish I'd brought my journal.  I went to Sadie Park for a few reasons...one, it's close to my mama's...two, it's a nice park...three, I spent a lot of my childhood and teenage years there, even early adulthood, and lots of good and bad have happened there.  I guess I thought, wouldn't it be good to a place where there was both?  I laid in the grass, in the sun, with coffee by myself.  I thought about all the great times there...and the painful times.  How life throws things at us whether we're ready or not...good and not good.  I thought about where I am, who I am, and what I offer the world.  I thought about painful times.  Why do we damage each other?  I didn't think about that too much, though, and it was a good 45 minute quiet in the sun.  You know I love the sun.  Those pieces of old me that I keep shedding - they shed easiest in the sun.  And I leave them there.

And today...errands, carline, grocery shopping...  I'm happy.  I'm really happy.  

dad

I miss my dad.
I miss my dad.
I miss my dad.
I miss my dad.

Every year for the last five years, as October 18 gets closer, I think about the day our lives were forever changed and my dad passed away.  I love him and miss him so much.  The last couple of years I've made plans to do things with family and friends and have fun, and celebrate how much we love him.  I think that's good...I don't want October 18 to be a day that I'm forever not looking forward to.  It's a day.  We are in the new normal, and have been for five years, so why hate the day?

Today my mom, my sissy, and I went on a wine cruise with two friends, and had a good day.  It was fun, we toasted to dad, and had a lot of laughter.  Of course I'd rather him be here...shit, especially right now!  His voice, his advice, would be an advantage to me in this fight to become me, but I know his energy and love are still with me.  So why not have a day with laughter?  A day to remember him with smiles instead of remembering that that's the day on the calendar that his body left.

I still cry, I cry a lot, and probably will forever, but I also smile a lot more than I used to about him.  I'm learning to replace the sadness and emptiness with smiling and pride that I got him for my dad.  Me.  How did I get so lucky?

I love my dad.
I love my dad.
I love my dad.
I love my dad.

go bolts!

I like who I am & I like who I'm becoming.  I've been working on her for a long time, and every step I take forward, I get excited.  I take steps back, of course, but I'm focusing on my steps forward.  And I have so much support & love.

Today is a great day.  Ran errands up and down Hwy 60, windows down because you know it's still like 90 degrees here.  And 98Rock, 105.9, & 98.7 all played some classics today...man I love radio.  What are they going to play?  Who knows?  Oh this one?  Okay, turn it to 11!!!

Caught up on "The Walking Dead"...Rick is as badass as you'd expect, Daryl is still riding his motorcycle, zombies look awesome, and character development as good as ever...now who blew the fucking horn?  I'm thinking the pastor...don't make me hate him more!  Love this season so far, and we're one episode in.  :)

Carline, carline, chicken alfredo for dinner, and now the Lightning are on...Go Bolts!  As much as I love baseball & football (and I do), hockey is the shit, too.  Tampa Bay Lightning hockey.  :)

Today is a great day.  Life is beautiful  :)